It became inherently clear to me today about how important it is for me to be completely booze free for a long while. I have 2 daughters – aged 12 and 16. My 16 year old has been dealing with anxiety/depression for some time and it seems to be more or less under control but the past couple of months, my 12 year old has been showing signs of great sadness and depression, anxiety and even suicidal intentions.
I have been to the emergency department with her (thank God I wasn’t drinking the night this happened and part of the reason I have not drank much this past month) – she was cutting and had a suicide plan. We ended up being referred to a psychiatrist who we’re now seeing weekly.
It has not been easy and today I learned that she was cutting again this week and that she has also developed issues with eating – making herself throw up and giving away her lunches. Today she admitted there were 2 days she did not eat at all.
Needless to say – the whole booze issue in my head and those voices mean NOTHING when I put this into perspective. As a mother – the most important thing to me is the well being of my girls. As a single mother (for the past 10 years plus), it means doing double duty … playing both roles and being there in any way I can.
I feel as if I’ve been pulled lately for attention from both – I have NO TIME to drink honestly. My girls need me and the booze and wolfie can go fuck themselves (pardon the language but it’s been a really TOUGH friggen day!!).
So I got through tonight’s BBQ – even though after that appointment this morning I didn’t really feel like being around people. I didn’t do great with my eating tonight but right now – that’s not a priority either. The booze was all around me but all I could think of was keeping an eye on my daughter and making sure she was ok. Tonight – we got home and shared with my oldest what had been going on – it’s a hard place to live right now emotionally.
I caught my 12 year old trying to purge after eating at the BBQ and now worried about even going to sleep. I have a lot to learn about dealing with eating disorders and how I’m going to manage this new problem.
I sure feel like I’ve been put through the ringer lately … and yes before I came here – drinks would have been my outlet or release, but tonight I choose blogging – to vent and let some of the thoughts out.
Finishing day 12 of 100 – hoping for a more positive day on the homefront tomorrow. It sure is taking a toll on my – feeling the drain. I need to be here, be present, be SOBER and be strong! That’s my priority… being there as mom ‘on call’ to get through this family crisis of ours.