I’m wrapping up my 13th day of sobriety (in the 100 day challenge). I have to say the weekends are what I find challenging with more time on my hands – but then again, it means when I’m not drinking more productive things can be done too.
Right now my mind is so full of the emotional stuff in dealing with my daughter and her moods. From one day to the next, I’m being presented with challenges… her defiance, refusal, and well – I broke down a bit today because this is really hard and I thought about having a drink… but then as I thought some more realized it would only make me feel worse … for failing and falling off my streak.
I keep wondering when this will slow down. The past couple of months dealing with all the issues arising with my kids – it’s not been easy and I guess it’s the reason I also decided to take this challenge. I have to be on the ball and need my mind to be working optimally (with no memory lapses that come when I drink too much).
I know I have to put out a strong front for them because I am all they have – their father is not too involved (lives two provinces away and they usually see him once a year but this summer they both said they didn’t want to go). He doesn’t even call regularly which is really sad and part of the issues too.
Since my divorce, just over 10 years ago, I’ve been doing this on my own. It has not been easy. I went through so much shit! I had a bad experience with one relationship (the first time I opened my heart after the divorce), lost many close people to death (cancer, accidents), lost my house and job at one point (even declared bankruptcy). I moved to where I’m living now 4 years ago and have been rebuilding a life for myself and cutting out the booze it the last BIG piece of the puzzle of my past that I need to leave there.
I have been broken – a few times over with some real hard situations – but I’m not DONE. I will not give up and I know that I have to keep fighting the good fight …
I am grateful in all of this that I actually met someone back in March. He’s what I call a friend for now but just the outlet I need right now. I’m not sure where it will go but in comparison to all the experiences in dating I’ve had, this by far is unique and there’s potential for something really good. Although I won’t jinx it by overthinking it and going to keep enjoying the moments we have together. He’s been a a great escape for me with all this ‘kid’ stuff and being booze free (and I love that he doesn’t drink). He’s in Italy for a job right now – and I am looking forward to his return around the 30th when we’ll catch up again. He’s some good medicine for me right now. The perfect outlet because it doesn’t involve booze in any way, and it’s a lot of fun 🙂
All in all – a better day than yesterday on the home front. It’s for sure a roller coaster ride, but I’m proudly closing off day 13 Sober!!