I was reading Soberistas blog about her speech and it really hit home for me – what she lived and went through mirrored much of what I have gone through. There’s one particular part that she spoke about how once the kids were in bed and she was alone – she would then go to the booze. I lived like that for so many years – wanting the ‘break’ or the kids to be in bed so I could lose myself in the haze of alcohol. I too was not as present as I should have been for my kids – but that’s changing now.
As I recall those times, the memories – they were truly lessons learned through pain (divorce, bankruptcy, losing close loved ones, and being ‘alone’).
Today – I don’t view being alone as a bad thing anymore. Take for instance tonight (well heck most of this weekend) – both my girls are gone. It’s not about waiting for them to go to bed now – but rather how they go out to be with friends at their current ages (12 and 16). Before I took on this challenge, that would have been a cue for me to get drinks and get buzzed since I have no responsibilities to worry about. It would also mean my drunk messaging people I know I shouldn’t message. You see – I have a friend I met and he’s unavailable but only because of his busy schedule. The old me would have been drinking by now and saying ‘to hell with that – I’m going to message someone else who can be with me’ but you know what?! I would have felt so shitty about it afterwards. It’s been my history with men – wrong men, wrong reasons.
I want this time to be different so I have to be patient. I know he’ll see me when he can – I trust my gutt on this one and so far he hasn’t steered me wrong or given me any reason to doubt him.
So being alone means a different thing to me now – in that I got to do my workout, and start reading a good book and I’ll be in bed early so I can get up early and start my 27th day of this sober car ride.
I’m so grateful to bloggers like Soberistas who are helping get the word out about ‘us’… normal, high functioning people – who drank too much – and who now want to make a change in their lives.
Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. Being alone means you have time to really get in touch with your soul and feel life clearly, quietly and peacefully. Good night friends!