Nearing a breaking point…

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This is how I felt today … like I was being put to the test. The plan for the day was to work and then go to my annual meeting tonight. I felt very tired/drained though (got to work just after 6am) and it’s like something wasn’t sitting right with me today. Last night was tough with my daughter and I wondered if she’d go to school or make it through the day – sure enough – just before noon the school called and she had a mini-break down and they asked me to pick her up.

We had an appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday and she said she was feeling better, no cutting or purging – all lies… I found out yesterday she had purged her lunch (her blood pressure was low too) AND today I find out she’s cutting in new places now – from her forearms to her legs/hip/stomach area. Tonight I caught her in the act and it was so gross and it made me sick inside to see my 12 year old doing this to herself. She’s on anti-depressants but this self-harming behaviour is a whole other issue (although related)… 

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I feel like I need a break – but not looking to break down (although mentally and emotionally I’m feeling it)… and so Wolfie came out to taunt me and said ‘a drink sure would be nice to just forget about all of this’ and he cried out for me for a while… so I stuffed myself with food and a few extra diet pepsi’s instead… I still feel like the booze might help – but in the end if I am honest with myself, it will only add to my already heavy burden of issues that I have to deal with.

I booked off tomorrow and Monday as vacation – not much of a vacation but I just need to detach myself a bit and take care of ME in all of this. It’s only after 8pm here and I’m almost done for the day – totally tapped out. BUT I am SOBER… hanging on to this ride…

I just pray that things will settle down soon because this mama can’t take much more ‘tests’ in life around these issues with my kids. Enough already – I don’t need any more lessons… I need some peace again. 

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11 thoughts on “Nearing a breaking point…

  1. Lori W says:

    Helene, you can handle this… know you can. I am praying for you. Perhaps an in-patient program for your daughter would help?

    I am glad that you are off the next few days, if you want to text or email me, no worries…

    • losedabooze says:

      There doesn’t seem to be an inpatient system that could support this. I’ve asked the youth services about what options I have – and no suggestions are being made. If I had loads of money, I’m sure I could find some type of program – but that’s not an option for now (unless my prayers get answered and I win a lottery lol)…

  2. Elle says:

    I agree with Lori, maybe an in-patient program might help.

    When my oldest son “experimented” with drugs, I had him put in a program for 30 days. It helped…and I got 30 good nights sleep.

    Helene, stay strong. We are here to lean on. xoxo

  3. bizi says:

    oh helene.
    I am so sorry this is happening to your family…to you!
    Glad that wolfie lost and that you were victorious….you really are a warrior in this.
    ((((((HUGS))))))
    hugs to you tonight
    bizi

  4. lifecorked says:

    I’m so sorry. Be proud you didn’t drink – that’s huge! Praying for strength and healing.

  5. soberrella says:

    I hit the like button and then I though well I don’t like that this is happening to you Helene but I do like that you reached out and shared with us instead of the alternative. You are doing well. We are all right where we are supposed to be. Sometime we won’t know why till later. In my thoughts and prayers.

    Soberrella

    • losedabooze says:

      Yes – pouring my heart out on here seems a bit much at times – but it’s all I have in the way of letting some of this out. Feeling very alone at times and very grateful for this sober community…

  6. cin says:

    OMG GIRL!!! HUGS I don’t know what I can say other than I am so very very proud of you but not as proud as you must be of yourself!! CONGRATS and you know just don’t concentrate on the food when this happens as you have so much on your plate that being sober is much more important. HUGS to your daughter and sure hope she can resolve what all is bothering her so much. Sigh….

  7. Erika says:

    Hi Helene! Hey, I just need to tell you how amazing it was you didn’t drink, it takes a lot of courage and will, you are STRONG.
    Now, on the subject concerning your daughter, I talked to a dear friend whom I met on the blogosphere and has helped me immensely in my recovery. She is 19 and lives in the States. I told her a bit about your daughter and offered to help if you want to reach out to her. I’ll leave you with her email in case you want her to talk to her and help her. cyndeehule@gmail.com

    Lots of love and light your way!

    • losedabooze says:

      Thanks Erika – I’m not sure she’d be open to speaking to yet another person as she’s already feeling frustrated with the fact that she has to re-explain everything over and over again – with all visits we have with doctors, counsellors, etc. It’s very kind of your friend to offer this to a complete stranger – please relay my greatest gratitude.

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