“I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed … but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbor, or my friend’s friend’s grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I’m not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens … No matter what.”
I had to pull this up today and re-read it because I have been going through HELL the past few days and months and the voices are screaming at me right now to have a drink. It’s Friday… I took a vacation day… it’s nice and sunny out and dammit I deserve a friggen break from all the shit I’ve been dealing with – to just let go. I’m trying to talk it through – I don’t want to cave but I’m not sure I will succeed today. I feel like screaming this is so damned hard right now.
Belle has been reaching out and reminding me of other emails I sent her when I was in a better place – and I am very grateful – but right now I want to hide, crawl away and fade away in a booze haze… if only for a bit – one day, one night… but that means starting back at day 1 tomorrow or the next day … because I know myself – one day often turns into more.
Fuck my life – I just want to be normal and enjoy life – but I’m not sure telling myself NO to alcohol is working. Day 33 here – not sure if I’ll be able to say that tomorrow. Going to do my best to keep busy … but just really on shaky grounds today.
I found this quote and I guess it’s pretty fitting for what I’m feeling right now…
“If you’re going through HELL, keep going. You grow through what you go through.” – Praying I’ll grow through this day and be at day 34 tomorrow.