I have updated my profile to say that I am seeking to gain control over alcohol in my life and not the other way around. I have to be honest with myself – I simply don’t want to quit and placing myself in a challenge simply makes me want it more because I’m a rebel that way.
I have decided that the issue is not only about control but rather just my overall health (in mind, body and spirit) and while I had some instances where alcohol dragged me down, I feel I am in a different place these days.
Yesterday, after our appointment at the psychiatrist and running around to get my daughter ready to go to camp for a few nights with friends, I made the sound and guilt free decision to have some drinks and did so very moderately. I had not had any since July 1st and the reason I opted to have some yesterday was because I could … I have been mostly AF the past few months in comparison to my previous patterns of drinking and when I speak about losing the booze ‘habit’ in my life – what I am seeking is to just have a normal relationship with it where I can take it or leave it.
The past 2 months are a testament to how I have improved my habits and how my health is taking priority with my exercising and with my efforts to lose weight, well booze doesn’t fit in except for the odd occasions if I want to reach my goals.
The team I lead/participate on is called “Cutting Down the Booze (Calories)” team and it’s been the most amazing place for me (before I found this wonderful blog world here). What I like is there is no judgement only support – for whatever a person decides their goal is going to be.
I will admit I have some slight ‘guilt’ about ditching the 100 day challenge yet again – but I’m like a rebel when I feel I am ‘told’ what to do, I do the opposite and so while I plan on being mostly AF still, I will not publicly join any more challenges like these.
I believe in accountability and I have that with my team. I post publicly about the days I am AF or not and chat on our daily thread daily. Keeping in touch with others, through there and the blogs here really keep me grounded and give me some great perspective.
What I noticed about my decision to have drinks yesterday is that I was much more at peace with myself – there was no guilt or hurriedness in making the decision. It was done in a calm fashion and I was in bed super early, feeling great about my day. The session with my daughter was good and we came away with good tools to help her with her self-harming issues. I felt ‘free’ because she was away for the night (well until Friday) and it’s a nice break because the past few months have been really difficult and nerve wracking. I am living life one day at a time … sometimes one hour at a time, but just practicing more being present and living in the now.
I wrote a blog on the other side about forgiveness and I forgive myself for my past and welcome the changes I’m undertaking. I see progress and how far I have really come and I feel good about it! That is what matters most.
“The only time you should ever look back, is to see how far you have come”…