Confession

confessing  present participle of con·fess(Verb)

Verb
  1. Admit or state that one has committed a crime or is at fault in some way.
  2. Admit or acknowledge something reluctantly, typically because one feels slightly ashamed or embarrassed.Image                   Here is my confession…  I have been drinking daily for the past 11 days. I guess I thought I had control of the drink after doing a 33 day AF stretch, but allowing myself that ‘break’ showed me yet again that I can not be a moderate drinker. I really thought I could be and hate admitting that perhaps I never can be that social drinker who can take it or leave it.

Instead – I’ve seen myself self-sabotage again. I have allowed the trials in my life (issues with my daughters, lack of ‘love’ in my life) to lead me to self-harming behaviours by over-eating and drinking too much again.

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So I need to accept the truth – my truth in that I have a problem with alcohol. If I have it in the house, it’s like I have to drink until it’s finished and then, once it’s finished, I crave more because it’s back in my system.

So here I am again – trying to get that “DAY 1” in again. I managed 8 AF days earlier in the month and now aiming to get back to being on the sober train. I already am thinking ahead to times that may come up that will challenge my resolve to stay sober… but I have to learn that I can only think in the now moment. As Belle’s blog so poignantly pointed out – I have to “Stay Here” … and for today, that will mean in the moment, minute by minute really.

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The biggest thing for me is to let go of regrets, of days gone by… and to STOP the self-sabotaging behaviour! I am far from perfect and my journey here is a learning one… I accept my mistakes and trust that as I move forward, the real ‘me’ will shine through.

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6 thoughts on “Confession

  1. eacarrington2 says:

    We will be here supporting your decisions….I am about ready to jump on you sober car with you maybe tomorrow after all of my alcohol is gone today.
    bizi

  2. Acceptance was a HUGE turning point for me. I knew how not to drink but accepting that I cannot drink brought relief, calm and a brand new courage. It got way easier after that, I cannot tell you! I hope you find some..cx

  3. Lilly says:

    I completely and totally understand. I think we’ve all been there. Even now, though I think I have reached a deeper place of acceptance, those thoughts that maybe somehow I could drink “socially” creep in. Except that I’ve never really been able to do that and my ability to do so had just gotten progressively worse over time.

    We might not drink every day or morning or get the shakes when we stop but that inability to stop once you start is still evidence of a physical addiction. I mention this because I struggled with that notion before and something another blogger said about it recently was a bit of a light bulb switch for me.

    So, don’t beat yourself up. Ask – what now? Set a goal. Start over. Blog lots. You can do it.

    xx

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