Growth – not Perfection

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It’s so important for me to accept this as I make my way on this daily journey of changing my booze habits. I was sober for 2 days and then allowed emotional and physical triggers to give way and have now had drinks for 2 days. Today – I’m hoping for a sober day, but the voices are there – doubting and I wonder where today will bring me.

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I honestly am taking things one ‘hour’ at a time right now. I feel like my life is so unstable right now with my daughter’s issues… she woke up just before 5am saying she was thinking of all the people who hated her and how she can’t even go outside. My heart aches for her – and I simply don’t feel comfortable leaving her alone so working from home today.

I know that the best course for me is to stay sober but yet there’s a yearning to just lose myself or numb myself from all this hurt and heartache.

As I am trying to help my daughter to stop her own self-harming behaviours, I continue with my own – and see it for the vicious cycle that it is. I read other blogs here and posts from those who have been able to let go of the booze completely and I still ponder where I fit in all of this. Where will I come out of it – it changes from day to day.

All I can do is keep plugging away, moment by moment and strive to make good decisions, or to learn from the not so good ones and keep moving forward.

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I guess this is true … we all have something in common here… where we land is what is unique.

“Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself. ~ Julia Cameron”

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8 thoughts on “Growth – not Perfection

  1. soberorbust says:

    Wishing you peace today for yourself and your daughter.

  2. Elle says:

    You have to be strong for your daughter. You are a great mom!

  3. Lisa Neumann says:

    There is so much in this post I relate to. Thank you for sharing. Sobriety got easier for me as I got better at opening up and saying the truth. I have a little sober time now and my heart still aches over “issues” with my daughter. These are real feelings of wanting to protect and at some level be “perfect” for her. Today I acknowledge them through a technique, I refer to as, A/B journaling. It has helped me tremendously in sobriety. (I can send you a PDF if you’re interested.) I use A/B for everything now. I just don’t let those “thoughts” beat the shit out of me anymore. And I surely don’t let them drive me to the liquor store. You are doing better than you think. The fact that you’ve manage to get this blog up and get posting (the truth) is huge, huge progress. Keep up the connection with the bloggers. I love this community. xox Lisa

  4. bizi says:

    you are being strong for your whole family.
    It is all riding on your shoulders, I wish there was someone else who helped lessen your load.
    bizi

  5. I am with Lisa here – the fact that you pulled this blog together and are being honest (brutally so) gives an indication that you have willingness to move further in your journey, Helene…even if you aren’t sure what that journey is exactly. But while you may feel that you perhaps moving backwards at times, these experiences are propelling you in the direction that you probably never thought you were going on. the fact that you are mindful of your circumstances and your reactions to them (drinking / not drinking) is much better than I when I was drinking. I just saw myself as victim and left it like that. No introspection. I had to wait until I was in detox and treatment to see that crack of light.

    We’re here. You have my email address, Helene – I welcome you to use it whenever you want.

    blessings,
    Paul

    • losedabooze says:

      Thank you again Paul – you are so incredibly supportive. I feel at times like I am letting everyone down when I am not ‘successful’ in being sober – but it’s as you say, I’m not mindless – even in the midst of the moments when I do drink… I am thinking and working on changing things – all the while trying to be gentle with myself. Not an easy task at times. It was an emotional FULL day today.

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