This past week has been an incredibly hard week. I continue to learn about myself and continue to ‘get’ the message that in order to change things, I must change things INSIDE.
I was AF yesterday, but every nerve in my body was crying out for a drink. I wasted away so many days sitting in deep thought about ‘life’ and my challenges. My daughters and their own issues and pain, and my own pain… and I know that in order to break this pattern, I need to shift my focus from the troubles to the possibilities in life.
I’m so grateful for those who reach out to me as I struggle with abstinence and accepting the fact that in order for my life to become better, I need to be sober.
I have been doing a lot of reading and reflecting. The saying that nothing lasts forever can be a comfort or the opposite – very scary. Letting go is hard. Change is hard. But staying the same is destructive and unproductive.
The only constant in our lives is change. I was reading the ‘look inside’ to the book by Lisa Sober Identity: Tools for Reprogramming the Addictive Mind and I believe this is a tool I need to add to my repertoire of tools. Along with my continued journaling – mostly public because I need to put it out there and get it OUT of my head! I need to hear from others who have been there and are on the ‘other side’ – maybe seeing the pink clouds or the ‘better days’ of living.
I have many BIG decisions to make this week including a move from my current home – and that scares the SHIT out of me! I like stability, familiarity and yet, I know I have to move out of this comfort zone and look at it as a NEW beginning and an opportunity to clear out the old in every sense. My issue now is mostly about where to move to – since my oldest dropped a ‘bomb’ on me to say she is not going to move back in again – so it means moving into a smaller place.
I like my current space in that I have enough room to have an exercise room so I need to explore my options and make sure I make a smart decision that I can live with. My budget will change with my daughter moving out. My budget can change if I remain sober – and stop spending so much on alcohol.
I’m working on shifting my thoughts from negative to positive as I accept that change is what must happen – within myself, my decision to stay sober because I can’t be a moderate ‘healthy’ drinker – because I DO have a problem with it and I’m tired of feeling like I am spinning out of control.
I have some blessings in my life and I feel myself losing a grip on those in the numbing process that booze brings with it. I won’t say I’m hopping on the wagon – because I read that too is signing up for failure – so for today I will not drink. To say I will not drink forever again is incredibly scary – but to say I will forever feel like this even scarier.
It’s time… to let go, make room for the positives in my life! Change and growth…