Accountability… Never giving up

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Well after my post yesterday, I am here fessing up. I caved – after a really good day – 2 walks – over 5 miles walked, a 30 mins strength training workout and swim in the pool – I ended up picking up drinks with my gf and we indulged. This meant it flowed into today as I have now ‘finished’ what was left.

My plan is now to get back to the sober car – and as I stated yesterday – at least until my bday. 

How am I feeling today? Well – I’m not hung over major, but I am disappointed that I caved – but I have to let go of that feeling or it will bring about more thoughts about – what the hell, I fucked up already, may as well keep the ball going. That’s the dangerous part – the whole self-talk that goes on in my head. Getting that first day in again is always the hardest but I am not giving up. It starts now. Tomorrow I will wake up to a sober day. 

I’m going to stay logged on here or on soberistas to stay strong – and may just go back to bed for a while – to make it feel like the day is beginning again. 

I will never give up this fight – to make myself a better person. I’m worth it and I’m grateful to all who follow and support my semi-sober journey to date. 

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12 thoughts on “Accountability… Never giving up

  1. Yes, you ARE worth it! Like you said, day 1 is the hardest… How about give yourself 72 hours, and see how you feel? That is what my therapist, way back in the early days, told me. It was hard, actually, for me to go 3 days sans booze. In your case, it sounds as though you want to feel better, and not drinking makes that so, right? The first week to 10 days off is the worst, period. Maybe give yourself 3 days, and then 10 days, and then you’ll start to see just how good you can feel? W/out having to keep starting over on that horrible day 1, or first week? HUGS! xx

    • losedabooze says:

      Thanks – and you’re right the first day, week is toughest and I do know how much better I feel when I’m AF. When I’m there, feeling it, I say why was that so hard to get to something that feels so good. I’m off on vacation this week so going to make a lot of ‘me’ time to focus on getting through the week AF.

  2. eacarrington2 says:

    I too keep going back and forth starting over day 1….sucks….but I just can’t seem to stick with it. I really want to take the 100 day challenge when I get back after vacation. I think I could do that.
    I think….
    bizi

  3. Keep on trying no one knows when it’s going to be the final day one, it just happens because we never stop wanting it. Don’t stop trying, every sober day we face and survive we learn something useful. You will do this.

  4. Lilly says:

    Oh honey. I have been there so, so, so many times. It doesn’t mean you won’t get there. It just means you need to reassess why you want to quit to begin with – what are the reasons? – and start over. I agree with DDG and others. Set yourself small goals to start and keep going. Just don’t give up, don’t give up, DON’T GIVE UP. Big hugs. xxx

  5. Elle says:

    xoxo you can do it!

  6. thirstystill says:

    Keep trying. You can do it! I like the advice above to take it in little chunks at a time, and think about your reasons for wanting to quit. The hard but essential part is then calling those reasons to mind when you think you might cave. I have found that the people here online who offer a vision of a sober future really gave me something to hold onto, and I am relying on that a whole lot day to day. Remember, you have a whole lot of people cheering you on! Warm wishes to you.

  7. Why keep fighting? Surrender. I fought it for years and years. And booze always won…my alcoholism kicked my ass over and over. I still have boot marks on my butt…lol. It was when I stopped thinking I could handle it and realized booze was no longer an option, that I just couldn’t do it anymore,then I started to get strength from that, ironically. The true acceptance that I couldn’t drink normally finally got to me after hitting bottom after bottom. I am not saying we have to hit super low bottoms, but we all hit a point where it’s clear that booze has no role in our lives. And it was in that grace period of acceptance that I was able to get into recovery – a new way of life. For me it was 12-step,but for some it’s not…and that’s groovy. We all have different ways to reach the summit of sobriety 🙂

    You are not alone, ever. 🙂

    Paul

    • losedabooze says:

      I guess I cave because on the days that I do cave, it’s like I think I can handle it – then I revert to the cycle of trying to get back to AF mode. I still don’t view myself as an alcoholic but someone who has a problem with the amount that I drink when I do. I guess the notion of having to quit forever is what I can’t grasp – because deep down I don’t know if I have the will to make that statement or accept that that is in fact the way it has to be – to end the battle once and for all. Working on day 1 today with plans for now to stop at least until my bday (Sept 3) and then I may decide to keep it going.

  8. TJ says:

    I love Paul’s *summit to sobriety* What a vision that creates! Coming to terms with forever can just feel so daunting and I don’t know whether I’m at that point either, so I hear where you are coming from. BUT having had 124 days (I can hardly believe I did that!) AF and really getting to experience some *living sober* as opposed to *white knuckling it* is really helping this time round. Baby steps and keep working on it and you WILL get there, where ever that may be. Hugs

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