Today is my first born’s 17th birthday. I remember when I had her – how I was 2 weeks away from turning 35 and first time mom. Now my birthday is coming up on September 3rd and so much has changed in how I look at it.
In the past I used to spend it with my sister celebrating at a campground that is run by her live in partner because it coincided with the last music festival of the season. That changed I guess it’s been 3 years now – when at that time, I allowed myself to get really drunk. Like many stories that I have about how I let alcohol lead me to some real dire situations – this one was really bad!! I remember my friends, more or less holding me up as I made the trek up the hill to the cabin where I was sleeping. This cabin was near where the rest of the family was – my niece and her half-sister (same father different mother) and her family (2 kids and her husband). Well in the middle of the night – I woke up to find her husband ‘on me’ in my cabin and by the time I regained enough consciousness to realize what was going on… it was too late.
The next morning I woke up and there was everyone sitting at the table – including HIM. I didn’t say anything of course – too embarrassed (his kids were there). I never told anyone until about 6 months later. When I did share with my sister about what happened, she told her daughter who told her sister… and then all HELL broke loose. I was accused of being a slut, whore and that I took advantage of HIM. Because of this – I ended up not talking or seeing my sister for over a year.
In September (on the 14th) my niece is getting married and I won’t be going. They are getting married at this campground – which happens to be a place that I had so many memories as I also spent many years and summers there throughout my childhood – and I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to go. The sister will be in the wedding party and while she separated from this man – she is back with him and I in no way want to put a damper on my niece’s special day. I explained to her and she totally understands.
It’s also a situation I don’t want to put myself into as it would dredge up a lot of bad memories and tension which I don’t need in my life – especially right now with all I’m dealing with at home. My move is happening that month and I want that to be a clean month in every sense of the word.
I’m on day 10 AF today. I said I’d stop until my birthday but I think that the best gift I could give myself would be a sober birthday! As I think back on many of the bad or negative moments in my life – where I blacked out or allowed shitty things to happen – it was all relative to the booze. I’m ready to make a fresh start and perhaps make new traditions going forward for all special dates.
My move – one of my colleagues said “I want to see you get drunk that day – it’s special – you’re first day in your new place”… and yet, I want to make my new place more of an AF place for me. While I’ll buy beer for the guys who volunteered to help me out – it doesn’t mean I have to join in. If they egg me on and say ‘come on’, I’ll say no thanks – I’m on a program and determined to stick with it.
I attach meaning to dates in so many ways and it’s not a bad thing – but perhaps it’s that now, I need to attach NEW meaning to all of those special dates, starting with my own 47th Birthday!
So while we decide to be sober, those special dates will always be, but now we can look at them in a whole new light!