The Sober Revolution – No More Mr. Unsuitable!

I’m partway into chapter 4 of The Sober Revolution which I started this morning and I’m already loving it!

I think what really clicked with me is how my relationship to alcohol is very similar to those negative relationships I’ve had in my life with men. The analogy provided by Lucy is bang on for me… I was that girl who always wanted the thing or man I couldn’t have or shouldn’t want. The bad boy syndrome. Me being the rebel and going after something I really shouldn’t allow in my life. I believe this is why I have had such a hard time letting go because if you tell me I can’t have something – then I seem to want it even more.

But things have changed now. I’ve matured and I’m learning. With the readings, the blogs and learning from others’ experiences, I feel confident that I can and will walk away from this BAD relationship. I want Mr. Wonderful in my life!! Sobriety… the one who will make me feel good, treat me well and encourage me to live my life to the fullest. Mr. Unsuitable keeps trying to call me back… he knows me since we’ve had this relationship now for a few decades. 28 years to be exact. That’s even longer than my marriage/relationship with my ex-husband of 13 years so I know this isn’t going to be smooth sailing all the way.

It’s true that at times when I’m feeling vulnerable Mr. Unsuitable will try to lull me back by bringing up some of the more ‘fun’ times we had together – but I need to stay focused on the overall negative effect he has had on my life, and so many of my experiences.

Sobriety is what I’m after now. And for now I’m ok to be ‘single’ for a while longer until I work through all of this and build a solid foundation for a healthy future with Mr. Wonderful. Again – the analogy provided in the book is BRILLIANT… I used to do a lot of work searching for a soul mate – tired of being single (now almost 11 years) – but I now realize that I have to FIX myself first and love myself most before I can have anyone else love me. Self-love is what will heal me and guide me to doing good things for myself including this journey to sobriety.

I know my words are strong today because the voices (or Wolfie or Mr. Unsuitable) are far away for now… but I also know that so long as I keep building up my tool box of resources and arm myself, I’ll be ready when they come knocking at my door and I’ll happily tell them NO – I’m not going back to that relationship – We Are Done!!

No more of this – maybe I can give it another try and see if it can be different. Shit – it never worked in my relationships with men either. I swear this lesson learned right here, right now – it will be key in my truly finding a fulfilling and healthy relationship… once I’ve achieved my goal of sobriety.

I feel encouraged by this new view point. By looking at ‘da booze as that shitty asshole partner/boyfriend that I’m DONE with. I am better than that and I need to focus on getting on with my life and living it to my fullest potential … SOBER.

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Worth the Fight

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This journey for me is not easy. I finished reading Lisa Newmann’s book Sober Identity and while I had some difficulty following parts of it the end really rang true for me in so many ways. The trial and errors about my getting to the ‘sober’ status and how perhaps because my mind is still not fully committed – that’s why I’m falling more than not.

I have a lot to work out in my head about the WHY I need to do this – even though it may seem pretty obvious too. I guess I need to get more sober days under my belt until my sub-conscious mind or the devil or wolfie or whatever VOICE name you want to call it quiets down. Today was easy and I had no cravings or wants for it. I felt much better too and finishing off the day on a good note.

The power of our sub-conscious mind is so incredible and reprogramming it is going to take time and I have to allow this to come. I know it’s not going to be easy – but it’s definitely going to be worth it in the end. I want a different life for myself, for my kids. They are also struggling with the ‘young’ experimentation of drugs (marijuana) and their taste or curiosity for booze too… and it kills me to see it because I know it’s a slippery slope. Thankfully with counseling I hope that we can address it and teach them better coping mechanisms and provide them with the right tools. The other part is my being a better role model – but I know it won’t happen overnight. It’s like they will need to see proof that THIS time is different.

I thought the answer was to tell more people about my intentions, but now I think I spoke too soon and now I’m just going to fly under the radar on the issue as long as I can and avoid discussing it outside of this sober blogging world where I know people truly understand what I’m going through. I’m not even going to say much to Belle either until I have more sober days ‘done’ since I’ve fallen off the 100 day challenge so often (so much so I feel embarrassed).

I was reading some blogs over on the soberistas website tonight and one lady talked about how one day turned into many … story of my life but worse, how I would actually go to bed early, then wake up once the kids were in bed and drink more so I could do it when they were not awake and I could ‘hide’ it a bit more. There was also a comment there I could relate to in that when I get into these binge modes it’s like I take in all I can because when this is done this time – I’m done… and yet it doesn’t always work that way. I was also reminded by the post/comments about how much I give up when I drink and basically withdraw and ‘hide’ from the world. I don’t want anyone to see me this way and so I put up a facade, make excuses and lie – to them and to myself.

I still hesitate calling myself an alcoholic and I’m not sure if I have to truly admit this to get beyond this addiction. I guess when I think alcoholic I think of a different picture than what I’m going through – the person who can’t go without or they get extreme shakes and tremors – that’s not me. I can stop – and sometimes I do for a month or less – it’s when I start back that I seem to go into ‘days of drinking’. And so, the decision has to be made that total abstinence is probably my best bet and yet thinking that scares me too. I know AA is not for me either – because I refuse to believe that we are powerless in this journey – I know I am stronger than this and I will eventually beat it.

In Lisa’s book she speaks to change and growth and how it’s not comfortable or easy and she’s right – this SHIT is HARD! I’m reaching out for support as best I can with my means and definitely tuning in to my writing because that’s something that has always helped me.

And so now I take a few new lessons learned on this path and get ready to turn in and begin again tomorrow. Moving on to the Sober Revolution book for my next read. Tools tools tools … must soak my mind with thoughts about changing my addictive patterns … and practice more meditation too. Today was a GOOD day!

I’m Messed Up

I screwed up again – after 4 days AF – not drinking on Friday… I drank on Saturday mainly to get rid of the painful migraine I had (and it worked). But then the cycle happened and I just tonight finished the rest of it and hope I can get back to being AF.

My kids are honestly driving me to drink and I’m feeling so overwhelmed with trying to do everything – quit drinking, get healthy, unpack, focus on work… I always do this to myself and I end up driving myself over the edge and give in … to the booze. 

I feel like I’m never going to be able to kick this. I hate this feeling of being so out of control. I had my last drink at 6:48pm today …. and I wonder now how long can I stay away this time. Is it that my will is not strong enough or that I need more help? I want to improve my life but there’s such controversy when I tell people I’m quitting or not drinking – like I have to explain myself or I have to say “I have  a problem” and I hate admitting weakness. I put up the facade … I keep pushing through and most people have NO CLUE the internal battle and struggle I go through daily. If people knew half the shit I deal with … well I know many of you here ‘get it’… but I feel like I am letting YOU down and there’s more guilt about that.

I need a ‘break’ or some kind of I don’t know epiphany or great strength. I pray to my angels. I read my books. I read your posts. I admire those who seem to be doing this and feel worse for NOT being on track. 

Tomorrow is a new day I guess. I’m turning in at 9 and taking it one hour at a time… I pray for strength… I pray I can do this. Thanks for listening to my rant… SIgned… still trying to loze ‘da booze habit in my life. 

Facing This Change

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There are times when I think of the efforts I’m making to truly change my way – to that of living a sober life – that I still question ‘can I truly do this?!’ 

I honestly at times feel almost resentful that this is an issue for me this alcohol affair. Why can’t I just be ‘normal’ and be able to enjoy it socially without it leading to binges?! I guess the fact that I’m still questioning if I can do this for good worries me even – and then I keep bringing myself back to TODAY and now, and yes for today I was sober. 

I will admit coming home and even thinking today is Friday … you know that saying TGIF – well in my case, a friend from soberistas gave me a more a propos acronym that I felt and will likely feel for a while. OFIF (Oh Fuck It’s Friday)… because come the weekend the mode is being ‘off’ work and relaxing which used to come with me picking up my vodka lime and wine coolers. I’d open it up and have some that evening until bed and then there’d be some left the next day so I’d have some more… and as I saw the levels getting low, I’d start considering getting more and so the binge cycle would happen. 

I’m happy to say the thought crossed my mind to get some but I got busy doing other things and it passed and outside of this lingering headache I have going on, I’m feeling good about that. I’m going to turn in soon and look forward to waking up feeling fresh and clear tomorrow – ready to make this a productive weekend. 

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So while I still have the resentful feelings for having to basically give ‘da booze up – I know that I can spend the same amount of energy being happy about giving this nasty habit up and with time, I know I’ll start to feel better about it as I reap the benefits of being freed from it.

Reading stories and blogs of those succeeding, those struggling and those slipping – keeps me going. I am so grateful to have this space to be able to share and also to hear feedback. I think this was the piece that was missing before for me.

I continue to also use some of my other tools – reading books (currently reading Sober Identity by Lisa Newmann and next is the Soberistas book). I have plans for this weekend that will hopefully keep me busy and AF. I honestly need to get more days under my belt I supposed to feel a bit more confident since I’ve been here before… but I will acknowledge and congratulate myself for staying AF on this Friday night. 

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I am letting go of ‘da booze… and I’m going to stick this out to get the true happiness in life I deserve … with a clear and sober head. 

Living in the Now

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On days like today it’s so important to recognize how key it is to live in the moment. I was feeling kind of I don’t know blah or ansy tonight. I got on Facebook and read some awful news about a friend who’s father was badly burned in a house fire. Then this morning I learned of another friend’s young granddaughter (2.5 years) passing.

I know from my own experiences of hurt and loss how hard this is – and I also know that it means I have to give my head a shake. I’ve been feeling off or in a funk. Feeling like I will never amount to anything as I keep trying to ride the sober car and failing… I’m on Day 3 today but BIG deal … and then I’m reminded by blogs like this – that I need to wear the badge of honor for EACH day, each moment as I live in the NOW.

I’m also disappointed in myself because of the fact that I drank again and ate lots and regained almost 10lbs in less than a month. I feel like I could eat everything in sight and I have to get a handle on this out of control feeling.

It’s like quitting drinking makes it that I want more of everything else and I need to find that balance and peace again. I just got my workout space put back together and managed ‘one’ workout so far this week. My energy levels are off with all the bad eating – so I need to get a grip.

I also know too that taking on too much all at once will foil my efforts to staying sober – which is what so often happens with me. I figure FUCK it… I need something in my life and end up caving in. With the weekend approaching again, I need to make sure this doesn’t happen. They are calling for rain most of the weekend and I have no excuses – I have lots left to do following my move here to finish getting organized and put things up here and there. I need to make this place feel more like home. I need to just CHILL and BE. Living in the now is easier said than done though. But I’m working as best I can to do so… inspired by quotes like this… I hope to change … just like that too!

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