Wolfie

This picture helps me accept it because as with most things there are always two sides. I have this poster  hat has wolves on it that has been the source of my inspiration on my journey… (below)

 

So there’s a BAD wolfie and there’s a strong wolfie!! Today I’m letting that peaceful, strong wolfie squash the asshole wolfie that tried to tell me it would be a good idea to have a drink tonight… that I deserve it and that honestly I’m making too big of a deal out of this.

FUCK YOU BIG BAD WOLFIE… because my inner GOOD wolfie is going to win! I’m going to beat my record of 33 days and wake up feeling amazing tomorrow. I have not had 34 sober days in a row in decades – tomorrow marks that day and my continued journey forward in the sober car!!

My AF Plan for Tomorrow’s Workplace Christmas Party (Winter Gala)

 

Well I was experiencing ‘shaky ground’ today feeling like I was going to cave at tomorrow’s event but after keeping extremely busy tonight (and surprisingly NO cravings whatsoever for booze this Friday night), I ended up picking up this non-alcoholic beer and imitation sparkling wine to bring with me. I am also packing some snacks (kolbassa, cheese and crackers) and my regular AF drinks of choice – diet pepsi with lime and club soda to mix with my crystal light. 

I talked to my roommate for the night about how I was feeling like caving in but didn’t want to – so she knows. I talked to people at work too about how I don’t want to drink and was happy to hear others aren’t drinking – or drinking very little.

I’m now putting the focus on the real FUN of the evening. This wonderful new friendship I’m forming with my roommate for the night – the chair of the larger Staff Forum who used to organize this event on her own. We are finding that we have so much in common in so many ways. She told me she thinks this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship. 

The other FUN I am looking forward to is to dance the night away! I love dancing and yet I find that I hardly get out to dance. I have been thinking about taking lessons or even just getting out to dance more – and this is a perfect opportunity!!

The focus is no longer about ‘da drink but more about being around friends/colleagues and truly enjoying a nice evening out. My daughter will do my makeup. I’ll put my hair up. Put on my fake press on nails. Maybe put nail polish on my toes. Pack my bag for the room and I’ll be arriving there to meet up and setup for 2pm. We’ll have some time to kill from 4ish to just before 6 – but I’ll have my laptop with me so I can stay busy. 

Despite the moment of feeling like I was going to cave in, I’m suddenly feeling very hopeful that this milestone – getting through this night AF is going to be an incredible boost for me. I couldn’t have done it without all the support from my Soberistas’ friends (as I blogged there too about it – if you want to read up there). 

And now it’s after 11pm – I have been up for almost 20 hours since I wake up at 3:30am. I hope to sleep well and sleep in so I can stay up late tomorrow night without issue as we’ll be there right until the end. You know what folks – I think I GOT THIS!!! WooHoo!! 

PS – Special thanks to Belle too for giving me her tools – and sharing her lighthouse podcast with me. You are incredible and I’m so very grateful!!

I Want to Finish the Year off Proud!!

I had a victory yesterday – went out to see a guy friend and he had bought some alcohol for me (which was a really nice gesture) but I told him I had to decline as I was not drinking. He asked why and I explained the ‘light’ side and just said I wanted to lose weight and couldn’t when I was drinking. We know there’s more to it, but no need to divulge the details to everyone (especially those who don’t really know the truth of our issue with alcohol).

Interesting thing in saying no  a few times as he did suggest since I achieved 30 days I should celebrate – I didn’t feel tempted in the least.

Today – I’m feeling a bit different again (that internal voice/battle I guess). I met with my co-organizer for the event and contemplating how I might like a drink since I have a complimentary room, no worries about kids and really my first night out to myself. No need to drive home so I could have drinks… but then I’m pulled back to NOT wanting to go back to day 1!!

I keep blogging different intentions in terms of forever sobriety or just achieving certain milestones and I think for now, for peace of mind I’m going to say that I’m going for the 100 days sober as a first milestone and see how I feel then about where I go from there. It is true that I have about 30lbs to lose and I know I can’t do it with the level of drinking I was at (which often included binge eating).

I am finally seeing what Belle spoke about in terms of allowing enough of a break to be able to change my mind set because even after the 30 that battle in my head is still there – although a bit quieter. I read other blogs too from those who have a year or many months and how this battle continues. I do look forward to having a bit of a break on this front, but I know this is all part of the process.

I honestly want to finish the year feeling PROUD of where I stand as I close off 2013 and welcome in 2014. I do want things to change and be different, which means I can’t keep reverting to old habits or patterns of drinking.

Writing this out helps me get a bit clearer on where I want to go and how I will handle Saturday. I acknowledge it may be harder to say no, but I can do this!! I will be checking in more with my supports leading up to the event.

It’s all part of truly celebrating – without alcohol. There is life after alcohol and I’m going to prove that to myself. Last night was a perfect example. I didn’t drink and yet had a great time (even though I watched him have his drink). Just have to keep rolling in this sober car! Looking forward to making December another full month sober (November is almost done and the stars on each date are telling and a great visual for me).

30 Days AF!

Ok – so I’ve reached that first milestone – 30 days AF. Now, unlike the last 2 times I was here (when I couldn’t wait to get back to drinking), I am now setting my next goal – another 30 days AF … I’m going to keep adding 30 day increments to finally reach that infamous 100 days from Belle’s challenge (which I will achieve on February 5th).

I have re-started so many times and I know how hard it is to go back to day 1 so I’m not going there until I reach my ultimate goal. After that – who knows what lies beyond.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~ Buddha”

And so for today – I’ll be AF.

Turning Point

I’m sitting here with this revelation that I’m beyond just being sober, but truly feeling some other changes happening or coming into my life. One of the biggest things that I did when I drank was get sucked into chats with guys that was really leading to ‘nowhere’… and because I was drinking, I thought it was ok.

Being sober now, those chats have lost their appeal and I see them for what they are. Guys reaching out to me when they have nothing better to do and I’m now able to say NO and move on.

I used to view this in a whole different light before. I was craving attention and when a guy would reach out, even though I knew it wasn’t in my best interest, after a few drinks well it sounded like fun. But then the next day came and I was back to being alone. NO MORE! I deserve better.

I do have a couple of male friends that I see – and with both of them I would like more (well I believe in one man one woman lol – but I like both of these guys as they have their own unique positives) – but what we have is at a level that we both agree too. It works when we can make it work but no pressure. It’s still not ideal but at least sober, I know I am making much sounder decisions around this and if I say yes it’s because I feel it’s a good thing (we all have needs lol).

The other point I’ve been reflecting on is what else I want to do with my life. I love my job but I want to find other means of creating income for myself so I can be even more independent in life. I’m contemplating many avenues and reading a lot. Even participating in free seminars to kind of get a feel for where I want to go with this. I have time to do this now that I’m sober but even now, there’s SO much information out there, it’s overwhelming. So I will practice some patience and make sound sober decisions so that I move towards more opportunities and leave those dead end and dead beat men in my past. The future is bright!! MY future is bright… you know this was the title of the story I contributed to Louise Hay’s Modern Day Miracles… guess in what section it was in?! Addictions… this happened in 2010 and here I am now. A work in progress. I am learning a lot along the way and perhaps that in of itself is part of my destiny – to gather these lessons so that I can share them and help others going through similar journeys. My wish is that – to be of help to others while fulfilling my passions in life.

I couldn’t do this if I wasn’t sober. Very grateful to put day 28AF in the books!

Just BE Sober…

 

We can learn a lot from famous people who have made the decision to be sober. It’s interesting to read about those who have been sober – just google it. You might be surprised. Today was kind of a blah day for me. I was feeling achy and tired all day. I felt a bit restless too – just didn’t know what to do with myself. The voices were there and the old habit of filling time with drinks came to mind … and left. 

I have decided that I need to let go of the pressure I’ve been putting on myself to do it all – the sobriety, the weight loss, the routines… While I do want to keep exercising regularly – my motivation this week was not there. And so, I’m being gentle with myself as I focus on simply being sober. It’s not exciting by any means and actually can be kind of boring but that’s just for now as I’m still early in the game and adjusting to this new way of living. I’ve done 26 days before – and until I get past my 33 day milestone – it’s nothing that great (except it is!!)…

Every day I say no to drinks is amazing! It may not always feel that way, but with each moment that passes, I am moving forward. I sincerely hope to get through the social outings and holidays and finish this year sober as well as start the new one that way.

I’ve decided that come January 1st – I will start to delve more into the fitness routine again more seriously having put 60 days behind me sober first. It’s truly a point of contention for me – to try to do it all. I know it sets me up for failure so I’m now letting go of this need for perfection and just focusing on being sober – one day at a time. 

Saying goodnight – and looking forward to the “Hello Sunday Morning” – hoping to feel a bit more energetic and less achy. Today was definitely a veg / rest day. 

Friday Motivation – Thanks Soberistas!

This was posted on FB by Soberistas… and felt I needed it here in my blog.

It’s now my 4th weekend AF – day 25 AF today and 8 days from now it’s my Gala and the mark of tying up the longest AF stretch I have had in decades… 33 days. Can’t wait to wake up that Sunday morning feeling very PROUD of myself and without any hangover.

The cravings come and go during some tough emotional stuff I’m dealing with but doing my best to manage them in the ‘raw’… although I am indulging in more calories than I should – giving myself a pass on that. Sobriety is my Number One vice to BUST and then the rest will come.

Cheers to another AF weekend!

Striving to be MY Best

 

I loved this poster and love Dr. Dyer (got to meet him in person on an I Can Do it at Sea Caribbean Cruise 2 years ago). It reminds me that this journey of mine is my own, and while I may compare myself to others in terms of where they are at in their days of sobriety, their success – and my own slips, trips and re-starts (too many to count)… I am in fact making changes and improvements. 

I am better than I was before and while I may not be at my best just yet, with each passing day things are getting better. 

Today was rough in terms of dealing with more issues with my 12 year old who missed school – again (due to being sick but we ended up getting in to a text war anyways about other issues). It’s truly been draining me and dragging me away from my focus at work. I feel so bad about it. After work I went to meet with her counselor for ‘me’ as a parent to work on parenting strategies and debrief on the session he had with her yesterday. I told him how discouraged I was because despite all the work and time I’m putting into this – it doesn’t seem like we’re making progress, but then I’m reminded that SHE too is likely doing the best she can at this time in her life. She has mental health issues (anxiety, depression, eating disorder/body image issues, bullying stuff at school, etc.) – and her coping skills are not great in that she is self-harming but … like me, this may take some time. 

My drinking habits were a form of self-harm even though I was using it as a coping mechanism to soothe away the stress or numb the pain and fuzz away the problems I had to face… when in fact it only delayed me having to truly deal with these situations. Now 22 days sober, I’m seeing this more clearly and accepting the challenges with more strength. 

I was very emotional last night and felt ‘blah’ but when I turned in, like it was out of the blue I started crying – not for any particular reason except maybe everything lol. It felt good and I had a good night’s rest. I woke up today feeling better.

Tonight – I dealt with addressing another financial woe/worry and ended up cashing in some old broken gold jewelry items. I didn’t get much but it was stuff that was sitting around doing nothing and it got me enough to cover the bills I wanted to cover. Now I have 3 other pieces that I will bring in to a jewelry store to see about selling those – part of my cleansing and letting go as it was stuff my ex got me and I’m ready to rid myself of it to make room for the new. 

De-cluttering my mind in every way – this sobriety is making space in my head to do more and I’m very grateful. Let’s see what tomorrow bring as I continue to strive to do MY Best. 

Hello Sunday Morning… Third One Done

Day 21 AF done and 3 Sober Sunday Mornings! This morning as I was doing my morning ritual – I came across an article about how quitting booze saved this woman’s life which led me to this new website HSM – Hello Sunday Morning! And so I signed up there too… another tool to my sobriety tool box added and another profile created. 

There’s strength in numbers and right now I am filling my head with all that is sobriety… and arming myself to the best of my ability so I can keep riding this sober train. 

I’ve been feeling kind of ‘off’ today – a bit emotional and feeling sorry for myself. I guess it’s all part of the cleansing or FEELING emotions – raw without any numbing agent. My life right now is a bit challenging and I am feeling like I’m giving so much, especially to my kids, without a whole lot coming back my way except more attitude. Sure isn’t easy to stay positive – but I’m doing my best.

For tonight – I’ll call it a night, turn in so I can get my 6 hours sleep and start anew tomorrow hoping that my mood is a bit more lifted. 

Day 19 – Almost Caved

Today was rough. I learned that my daughter self harmed again and asked to see it to make sure it wasn’t too bad and healing ok. Looking at all those cuts on her arms breaks my heart – too many to even count. She has been self-harming now since April and while we’re working through counseling, I honestly thought it was getting better when in fact obviously it’s not. I felt so discouraged.

I just wanted to escape and of course first thing that comes to mind is the booze. I didn’t want to feel these feelings. I wanted to pretend just for a while that this wasn’t really happening to me. I have been praying to God and my angels – hoping that we’d catch a break and whenever I think we’re finally turning a corner – BAMM! Something else happens. Between the self-harming, her school refusal, academic issues now too because she’s avoiding and missing school and not handing in assignments or wanting to do any presentations. I fear that she won’t succeed and it truly bothers me. I can’t understand why she is so sad, angry and just not the person I knew just one year ago.

She sees a counselor once a week. The school has been going out of their way to help her. I am doing all I can and yet, there doesn’t seem to be any progress. Until SHE decides that she is going to join in the effort, it feels like it’s futile.

I try to appreciate our good moments and verbalize those with her. I try to stay positive – but today, I just wanted to cry and hide away with a bottle of vodka and just fucken FORGET!! Then the rants in my mind started about how resentful I feel that their father is living his life in oblivion of what is going on with his daughters and how they each are hurting in their own way. While he said he’d be willing to take my youngest in of course she doesn’t want to go. And to have them say that if she were there – she would not be self-harming – like I am allowing this just pisses me off to no end because it’s obvious they don’t understand what this is all about and how I can NOT watch her 24/7 – if she wants to self-harm she is going to find a way to do so. Her weapon of choice – a friggen blade from a pencil sharpener!! She managed to gather 8 of them!! From school!!

I lock things up and try to do my best to monitor her but I don’t want to have to do room searches all the time. I found out today because I happened to lift her mattress and found bloody kleenexes … she denied and avoided answering my questions but she finally fessed up that she had cut yesterday when she missed school.

All of this is taking a toll on my and while I’m strong, today I didn’t feel so strong. I felt like I was going to slip like so many times before. I reached out to Belle, to Soberistas. I went for a drive. I tried to change my thoughts. I ate – junk and realized I need to cut myself some slack. While I want to be healthy in all areas of my life – number ONE priority right now is being SOBER. I did manage to get 100 mins of exercise in today (this morning before all this happened). I did treat myself to a bath and I will be in bed early tonight. I did do a few more things in the house – fixed a chair, hung a few things up and tomorrow’s a new day.

I did NOT cave… I am finishing up day 19 AF! I know I will wake up tomorrow feeling very good about the fact that I managed to make it through the day without alcohol – even though the cravings and the VOICE was real loud!