Today was a close call… The voices came calling to me in my dreams. Making me think I had caved in and I woke up feeling real crappy, guilty, like I had done something wrong – but it was a dream. I woke with a headache too and it lingered with me all day – another trigger for me to crave booze oddly enough – to dull the pain. I have had headaches this week for a few days – and I attribute it to the weather changes. It SUCKS!
So I had to figure out how to cope today and work through these feelings I keep getting around this stage… I’ve got 11 days AF in and on my 2nd weekend of working on staying sober but I swear it was fucken HARD today. I had those feelings today about how good it would feel to just relax and have some drinks. Especially since my 12 year old is out for a sleepover and my 17 year old is out too – peace at last. But how would I feel if I caved in?!
My confidence level is not so strong right now about whether or not I’ll pull this off or if I’ll slip up again and yet, I know that I can’t slip back to it – not so early in the game. I need more time away from that devil, Mr. Unsuitable. I swear it’s like the shitty men I have had in my life – they would come back to woo me… tempt me and tell me how great it would be this time, that everything would be better and ‘ok’. I’d take them back and then BAMM!! Back to square one. I took this abuse over and over again. With booze I have a choice – and I have to break out of this cycle of abuse in my life. This is self-harm… and I can’t stand to see it when my daughter self-harms… which I just found out this week she did again last week. This is her coping mechanism – to cut and when I saw the cuts on her legs, too many to count, my heart was aching. I thought how could she do this to herself?! Well it’s the same with us and booze I guess. I’m sure that sometimes they might have looked at me while I was drinking and wished I wasn’t doing so.
I know it’s going to take time for my brain to get re-wired. I know I can’t do this alone. I am going to gather strength from my friends here in the sober blogging world, get the rest I need and not be so hard on myself in all other areas of my life (as I am also trying to moderate my food intake to lose some weight). For now – the most important thing is to get rid of the vice that booze is in my life! If I eat that sugar treat or a bit too many calories on the days I’m craving – so be it. I need to not overwhelm myself or I will throw my hands up in the air and feel like quitting quitting – and that’s not where I want to be.
So 12 days booze free is in the books… Tomorrow is a new day and I pray that Mr. Unsuitable stays out of my head for the night and into my dreams.