Change…

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Today started off well – I woke up feeling good about not caving in yesterday and was on a roll getting things crossed off my to do list. Then I got a call to go babysit for a friend – one who really needed to get out as her daughter had been hospitalized for a month and she basically had a melt down needing a ‘date’ out with her hubby. While it didn’t fit with my plan for the day, I couldn’t say no. So I went and they told me to help myself to whatever – beer too… and I said I wasn’t drinking. 

I was fine for a bit then I guess that afternoon itch came again and I was not in my own place. There was beer in the fridge there. I blogged on Soberistas … because it’s more ‘live’ there and got support and worked through the urges again, wrapping up day 13 AF.

And so this poster above… I want to say goodbye to the old me and hello to my new life but I fear it too. It’s unknown territory and that can be scary – well frankly it is in some ways and also promising of course. I know that things could not go on as they have been – that endless cycle of sober periods followed by days of drinking. It was just draining my spirit. However, I still am fearful of the ‘sober forever’ term and so I keep trying to pull myself back to just for today, I will NOT drink and do that, one day at a time. 

It’s time for a change and the only way it can happen is by doing things differently. That means no more giving in to those cravings and working through them like I did yesterday and today. It wasn’t easy though. I’m feeling very drained and tired now so I’ll be in bed early and looking forward to the work week when it seems the voices are quieter. My 2nd weekend AF here in the new home was successful. Onward and forward!

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7 thoughts on “Change…

  1. Elle says:

    Stay strong, you can do this!

  2. bizi says:

    really proud of your strength!

  3. Joy says:

    well done. For me with exercise I always say I never regret having a run or whatever but spend the rest of the day regretting it if I don’t. Maybe its the same with drinking – we never regret not drinking after the fact, but are full of regret if we do. So its just getting over that decision making hump. Easier said than done, I know!

  4. GOOD for you! This is what it’s all about for the first few months–just working through the cravings. I remember, I used to feel relieved when midnight came; it was like, the “gong” that told me I could put it away and go be unconscious for a while (sleep), picking up the fight the next day–when I’d be refreshed and stronger again. It wears you down, but this is NOT forever. You get better as it gets easier. I think, for me anyway, it boiled down to just what you said: 1. I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing, with drinking being the way I solved my problems, and 2. I was tired of never seeing what was beyond those initial shitty months of early sobriety. It was a fight, sure, but the fight has started to REALLY become worth it. The bottom line is, no, we can’t keep doing what we’ve been doing…so, what is a new, different way? It will get better! 🙂

    • losedabooze says:

      I’ve had the re-starts often enough that these shitty feelings seem like they will never go away because I keep re-living them because I was constantly caving in. I want to get on the ‘other side’ if you will and see how much better it will be there. Thanks for your support DDG!

  5. soberdiaries says:

    Thank you for posting this. So beautiful!

  6. I KNOW! You have to get away from that pull in order to see that it does go away. I still have it, esp. around work–my big trigger is unwinding after work, and finding a new way to reward myself after a hard day. It’s a process, but I know that wine just can’t be my reward anymore–it’s more like, I can’t live WITH that pull more than I can’t live without wine. I’d rather not feel that pull than I would feel buzzed. And, that’s what’s kept me going, to eventually not feel that pull, that craving around every turn. It will change, it really will. Rooting for you here. xx

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