Learn to Dance

Learn to Dance

I have not been AF for a while now… and yet I know I’m not done this dance of life. I am looking at it as the dance that it is – learning the steps until I master them.

December has been a very difficult month for me and it hit me out of the blue with the deaths of a few close friends/family. I also see it as an opportunity to appreciate LIFE more and what I do have every single day.

I’ve been battling depression with my life circumstances – financial woes, holiday blues, difficulties with my teens… but I’m not giving up hope. 2014 brings about new life – a new moon, new beginnings. I am going to continue my lessons until I master this dance of life and feel the real rhythm that is LIFE and LOVE!

Be Confident… Be Accepting

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WOW – Accepting everything you are, and aren’t… Then that is when you will truly succeed! Now that hits home for me! I honestly think that we can all take away something from this message – in whatever way we want to look at it – be it sobriety, or other lifestyle and health choices. The path we choose will be ours to own and I am owning mine.

I had another tough day today – dealing with huge financial stressers and trying to figure out how to work through them and then dealing with my 12 year old (more self-harm and being out without letting me know where she was, and more talk about issues at school which I’ll have to deal with tomorrow). 

I felt like drinking but I didn’t and the craving came and went without a fight because I’m not counting anymore but rather ‘balancing’ things. I am accepting who I truly am and who I am not. I am not that person who can achieve what YOU can. I am on my own path of discovery and perhaps figuring out like a new explorer – ways of tackling this issue differently. 

I know many will say – but your previous blogs and statements (heck even I look back on some blogs and wonder lol) … you are contradicting yourself or fooling yourself, but I truly believe that I’m on a different plane if you will. Travelling towards the same destiny but taking a different route. Mapping my way through some rough times by navigating with different tools and resources. 

I am looking forward to tomorrow’s doctor’s appointment to address some possible physical issues that have been affecting my ‘spirit’ and mood. I also hope to address the pain I’ve been experiencing in my joints so that I can get back into a regular exercise routine. I also wonder about figuring out my whole hormonal shifts in all of this too. Hopefully the blood work will give me some answers. 

So I’m closing off another day – while tough and challenging on some fronts – successful in managing and coping without the aid of booze, but rather turning to my writing for solace. Thanks for listening. 

Life Has Just Begun

Live each day as if your life had just begun. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

That’s how I am looking at today. In looking at my last post – I’m feeling brighter today than I have in a while … and this despite breaking my AF streak. I got in 45 days but I am done counting and obsessing over this.

What I’m not done with is my constant journey to improve my health and life – but releasing this obsession is making my ‘mental health’ improve. I’m not saying I’m going to go crazy and start back into old patterns. In fact – what I’m saying is the opposite. I’m working my way through this journey, one day at a time and seeking the path that will lead me to happiness and success.

The formula that will get me there is what has changed. I am losing the ‘booze voice’ within. I am shifting my focus to better things – health, following my passions, seeking out new activities and living life!

I feel as though this weight has been lifted and I am turning a corner. I’m closing the door on my past and opening up to new and bright opportunities and views. What timing too … with my break coming, I’m going to make use of the time to create my new vision board, with new goals and focus. For the first time in a long time I’m feeling hopeful again. I’m getting out of this rutt that is the voice of booze that was haunting and taunting me.

It’s going to be a great week!!

Looking for the Light…

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I’m really struggling right now. I’ve talked to a few people about it in email exchanges and two of them asked me if perhaps I was experiencing depression – and I suppose this could be the case. I do know that December and February are tough months for me and ironically they are in the midst of my commitment to being AF (day 43 today).

I honestly thought that continuing to be AF would lift my spirits for the pure fact that I was doing it when so many times in the past I failed but I fail to sense that pride and feeling of accomplishment I thought I would have by now. Instead – I have doubts and thoughts about whether or not this is all worth it. I honestly thought that I’d feel better by now.

I know there are other factors at play here – including hormonal changes, life experiences of grief and hardships with the teens. I just am feeling like life is not fun – that I’m simply going through the motions and despite my efforts to change things by being AF – my motivation to do other things like workout and eat better – well it’s out the window right now. I am craving everything and I know it’s emotional eating (and leading to weight gain making me feel even worse).

I also know that I need to take care of myself and be gentle but I am just having a hard time figuring this all out. I also know that the financial worries I have – not having enough money to pay bills and with Christmas coming up feeling very depressed about not even being able to buy gifts. I haven’t felt this low about the holidays in a long time. I do know that it’s not all about material things but it sure would be nice to be able to at least get a couple of things. The parties I have to attend too – and the gift exchanges – I just don’t have the money, yet I’ll try to make it.

You’d think with my not drinking I’d have more money but it’s not there. The trip back home too cost me money I didn’t plan on spending – just over $200 that could have gone to xmas gifts. I have been struggling this way financially for years and I am just tired of it. The constant juggling of borrowing here and there – juggling bills… I know this is bringing me down big time (even though they say money isn’t everything – it sure would help right now).

I’m not writing this to get pity – it’s simply my own way of trying to work through my emotions and how I’m feeling in the hopes that I can figure out a way to get out of this funk I’m in. One day at a time I guess. I am hoping to see my ‘man’ friend soon and I know that will cheer me up. Loneliness is definitely another point in my life … while I love being a mother to my girls – I miss being someone special for someone.

And so I keep pushing and praying … for some kind of a break. I do pray 2014 will bring about some relief and positive changes. I do know that I need to try to focus on what I want instead of what I don’t want… I got this letter back from futureme.org … it was a letter I wrote to myself back in December 2012… and it’s still very much all I want for myself … it just hasn’t happened yet… but I have to believe that it IS possible and that it can and will happen!! Maybe not exactly how I expected it… but I have to keep the faith.

Dear FutureMe,

What an incredible life you have! You are living your dreams… You are traveling more, you are healthy and fit, toned and trim and most of all you have love and peace in your heart.

You are sharing your life with an amazing soul mate who truly is your match in every way. You have this wonderful man who is everything you ever wanted… Romantic, loving, caring, SEXY and hot, skilled lover, one who shares your passions and dreams. You are so full of love and joy and you are rich beyond your wildest dreams… You are spoiled by this man and receive the attention that you’ve longed for, that you dreamed of for so long. You have all that you ever wanted in a relationship and never had! You are like a school girl … giddy in love and lust, and the amazing thing is that HE feels the same about you. You trust each other completely and live your lives by sharing special moments, as well as keeping a balance of your own individual activities.

The girls – they are doing amazingly well too and have truly welcomed this new love in your life! They too are happy and feel as though you are a true family again. You enjoy travels together as a family as well.

You are no longer alone to attend events… and you are planning your own dream wedding… by the ocean as you always wanted.

You are financially abundant now and no longer living paycheck to paycheck. You have a handle on your finances and you share with your partner costs and are even saving money for your future voyages as there will be many!

You will be moved into a new home with this new partner of yours and build, decorate and make it YOUR new home together, by the water where your love is. It will be beyond your wildest dreams!

You will be living your passions by writing and working on a manuscript for a book which will be incredibly successful! You will get to travel for this purpose as well and attend conferences, meetings and continue to meet more like minded people.

Your life is the dream you have always wanted and so deserved!

I am so proud of you! I am incredibly thrilled and happy for you because for all the past hurts and trials, you have finally arrived to receive all the wonderful gifts you so greatly deserve!

With love, appreciation and gratitude,

NowMe

Self-Acceptance

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I was trying to figure out how I was feeling after this trip back home… and how I managed to stay AF (day 41 today). The experience was not easy – and there were cravings, but more than that was how I felt inside and how I felt others viewed me. I had some congratulate me for doing this AF stint and others comment on how quiet I seemed. I think my quietness is coming from just trying to figure out all the emotions I’m feeling and the observations I’m making.

This is new for me. I’ve been AF before when I was pregnant but I did so then because it was a no brainer – I had a baby inside of me (although I did have a drink here and there – very MOD). Now it’s a choice I’ve made to do 100 days AF. I chose a really tough time of year to do it – as it’s a time that is filled with social events around the holidays, but alas – is there really ever a ‘good’ time to start?! Or should I say STOP.

The answer to this for me was best start sooner than later as I felt tired of riding the roller coaster of ups and downs associated with how I felt after drinks and failing to meet my 100 day challenge and so now I’m starting to feel a bit more confident.

I was at the music jam session at my sister’s restaurant and observed those who had been drinking and noted the negatives about it. One guy was so loaded he was ugly and reeked of booze – it was GROSS!! I noticed how people looked sloppy and repeated themselves. Not very pretty.

The other thing I noticed is how I am able to simply say no to something that had I been drinking – well I might have said yes … with a sober view, it was very obvious saying no was the best answer.

And so I’m continuing this journey of experiencing the highs and lows of life sober. There have been many lows this past week including the two funerals and dealing with both of my daughters and their respective issues. I honestly am feeling very drained by it all – but I have dealt with it without using any form of numbing – and dealing with it in the ‘raw’ if you will. And so tonight – shortly after I post this I’ll be turning into this lovely bed of mine that I have not slept in for the past 3 nights. Back to work tomorrow and hopefully a peaceful week at home.

I Will Stay Strong

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I have a very difficult couple of days ahead of me. On Dec 3rd my best friend’s mom (someone who I looked upon as a mother figure) passed away, and on Dec 4th my godmother passed away. And so I find myself having to travel back to my home town today to attend both visitations/funerals that will span from today to Saturday. 

Yesterday I feared what this would do to my AF status but as the day went on and as I thought it through, I now feel stronger in my resolve to keep my AF streak going. I will need to stay strong through this and I’m sure there will be many tears shed, but I will remain sober through it all. 

My hometown is often a trigger because it’s where I left to escape from the daily drinking and worse, at one point, the daily use of oxycotin pills as another numbing agent. When I moved here 5 years ago – it was to break away from it all and I succeeded in breaking the pill/pain killer addiction because it wasn’t all around me. The drinking also slowed down and today – right here, right now it has stopped. 

Like my gala was different as I attended and stayed sober, so will this visit back home be. I know the ‘firsts’ of many are always hard and sometimes awkward, but I also know it’s something I must do. 

The one thing about this trip is that it will also give me a bit of space and a break from all I’ve been dealing with at home here with my 12 year old. I think it will give me some perspective and I hope that my time away from her will do the same for her. It’s been very draining to constantly have to fight and argue with her. We continue with counseling and in a couple of weeks we hope to have a consultation with a psychiatrist to see perhaps again about adding medication to try to help regulate her moods. 

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And so I pray – to arrive safely back home (the freezing rain should stop before I head out) and I pray for brighter days ahead. Today is day 38 AF.

Day 35 AF – Now What?!

I’m sure not feeling as ‘high’ as I thought I would after successfully making it through my Gala AF – giving away drink tickets and free wine. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me! I guess the build up to this event and now it’s over so it’s like ‘now what?’

I know there will be a few other festive social gatherings and even company coming over here – and these involve drinks but I’m going to do my best to keep this going to the 100 days… but feeling doubt about ‘what then’.

There goes my analytical over-thinking brain! I truly thought if I reached the milestone – beyond 33 days that I’d be flying high and losing weight like mad and feeling on top of the world, but I’m not feeling it.

I’m even having a hard time motivating myself to workout – and I know I need to in order to manage the home stressors that continue with my 12 year old and her self-harming behaviors and threats of wanting to end her life.

As a parent I feel horrible that my child feels so bad about herself. She sees her counselor tomorrow and I talk to him on Wednesday but I feel it’s not going anywhere and I’m frustrated.

I’m also bummed out because I had hoped to pursue a venture that might lead to some extra income for me but it seems that it’s just not going to work out with all that I have to deal with and it requires startup funds that I honestly don’t have. So I keep plugging away and even though I’m saving money by not drinking – it feels like I have less to juggle. Christmas is coming up and my daughter asked me how much I was going to spend on them and this point I know it’s going to be very modest as I am trying to catch up with bills.

I just pray for a break soon – in this part of my life.

I am very grateful for many other things… my wonderful workplace/job, my new place, my health and how my oldest seems to be doing better and succeeding with her home schooling and working a part-time job she likes.

I know I have to look on the bright side and the ‘now what’… well hopefully it’s just hormones acting up. I’m still aiming for 100 days AF and after that – I actually long to be a social drinker … and perhaps I’m grieving the fact that I may never be able to be that person. FUCK this shit is so hard and working through all the emotions sober is not easy and truly new territory.

I have one thing I’d like to work towards – I saw in a blog somewhere about a recovery retreat… I’m definitely adding that to my list (wish I could make the one in April 2014). Maybe that could be my reward for staying sober my 100 days – if I could scrounge the cash… if not this one, I can research to find another similar one. I just feel I need something to work for/towards again. I need a boost in this lull I’m feeling. Where are those pink clouds?! I need some spark again!