Beating the Voice in my Head

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So I have had a pretty good week. I did  have 1 drink on Tuesday as it was offered to me ‘complimentary’ and I accepted. I went back to being AF and am again today – while the voice was calling me to drink tonight… I looked at the time when I got home after my meeting and it soon passed.

I came up in the elevator and it wasn’t this usual strong battle like before and I’m not sure why – but I’ll take it lol. Perhaps it’s still new enough in the NEW YEAR mode/phase. Perhaps it’s that I have accepted that perhaps I can’t do the straight 90 days AF as I had planned, but accepting that I can do mini stretches and try to avoid 2 days in a row with drinks and truly keep it to social occasions.

I’m also doing this meditation for weight loss and the messages in it I believe are helping me shift my thinking as it focuses on other areas that are helpful too… and it relaxes me so when a craving comes on – I could go turn it on. The power of meditation is incredible and even more so when you do it consistently. I’m on day 7 now of 30 for this one. Now THIS I can do for 30 days no problem. Tell me I can’t drink for 30 days and it feels like I’m being punished and I rebel. This I can live with.

I’ve said it before in my other blog on SparkPeople – we all have to find our own ‘Success’ formula and it applies in this world too. For now this feels good so I’m going to ride it out. I’m also loving the HAMS support!! A great addition to my support toolbox!!

Today was a GOOD day!!

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More Time for ME

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Day 3 AF and today was a ME day … with freezing rain I couldn’t go out so I spent the day doing stuff I usually procrastinate about. Organized myself for the work week ahead. Cooked for my lunches. Worked out. Read. Pampered myself with a bath, foot treatment and then did stuff I should do every night – but didn’t when I drank because I would just crash (so my night time routine – face cleansing, brush/floss teeth). It’s all good. I’m enjoying the ME sober time. This is my HIGH – having time to myself, listening to music, and puttering around with no one expecting anything from me…

Tomorrow I’m going to hang out with my guy friend and he usually drinks one beer so I’ll ask if he can skip it so as to not tempt me this early in the game. Cause when he drinks it and then kisses me – well it’s not good lol.

Turning in early so a short post tonight. I want to get my 7 hours of sleep in. Cheers!

Hello 2015

Success is not final

Cheers to the New Year!! I celebrated and had drinks up to January 1st and I am back to being AF as of January 2nd. When I look back on my track record in 2014, I definitely need to improve my AF stats for this year. My intentions are to begin with a stretch of being AF without obsessing over the number. I am aiming for a three month stretch – something I have not done since I was pregnant for my now almost 14 year old daughter.

My first day AF (or abs as some call it) went smoothly by force of a sobering reality really. My teen daughter has been struggling with depression and anxiety and many other issues for almost 2 years now. Things were getting better and we’ve made progress but on January 1st in the middle of the night I was called upon to go pick her up because of some texting she was sending me… with suicidal thoughts.

A friend commented on another blog I write to say that Dr. Phil did a show once about a single mom who would have drinks after her kids were tucked in bed and he said ‘what if something happened and they needed medical attention and you were too buzzed to get them the attention they needed’… it was kind of the situation I was in. Although she was sleeping out at a friend’s and I thought she was ok – she wasn’t and while we both had a few drinks before bed – my friend and I got up – he drove me to get her at 2:30am and I got home with her around 3:30am and she had more of a meltdown… I made her keep her bedroom door open and prayed she would get to sleep. She had not slept for 2 days nor had she eaten which I know contributed to her state of mind. That and incidents that happened – one being with a friend who almost overdosed and then the ‘visit’ with her dad – that she had not seen in 2.5 years – it unfortunately didn’t go so well for her. She basically said she doesn’t want to see him or have him in her life and that I have been her mom and dad most of her life. It’s sad – but it’s another testament to my need to be sober for a while – as I’m playing both roles.

Tonight I was craving some drinks and tried to stay on track with my healthier eating but I did cave in to a few sweets. I figure it’s better than caving in to booze. The other reason I need to take a break from drinking is that my weight is up and so is my blood pressure. I am at the highest weight since just after delivering my kids and I feel just ‘yuck’… so I’m going to work to staying off the alcohol until my trip to Costa Rica with a new ‘guy’ friend I’m seeing in April (another motivator to stay on track and lose some weight).

So I’m savoring today’s success – my first 2 days AF in a row in quite some time.