I am on a NATURAL high!!

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Had an AF day yesterday and while I haven’t had many this month – yesterday felt different. It wasn’t a struggle or question about being AF – I was naturally feeling so ‘high’ and GOOD that I didn’t feel the need to dull that feeling. Strangely, most of my daily drinking habits were to numb out the not so good stuff or to cope with the high stressors I deal with on a daily basis with a teen daughter who has mental health issues… and I also used it to deal with loneliness or boredom but I no longer have the latter 2 excuses.

I have been single since my 2002 separation/divorce. I started dating a man on October 31st and took it real slow as I have a history of really bad relationships… but this man is different. Number one – he only recently started drinking just a few years ago and doesn’t drink much at all. He is stable, loving, kind, generous, and just so darned good to me. It’s what I’ve wished for so often and was often jumping into relationships too quickly only to be disappointed. I think the reason this time is different is that I’m in a different place – because I wasn’t looking (yes that cliché saying – you will find it when you’re not looking). We were introduced through a mutual friend – he’s a recent widower and he too had not had much luck with good relationships. It’s nice that we both feel mutually the same about each other … and it was just yesterday that I finally acceded to say I am ‘in a relationship’. I can’t explain what shift this has brought to me inside. I have the butterflies feeling in my stomach because of my feelings about this and the bright and loving possibilities that lie ahead. One day at a time. We both have agreed to take it day by day but we have a great vacation coming up on April 3rd and I’ve never been away with anyone ‘romantically’ like this. It’s something I’ve always dreamt of too…

So my high is all natural and I’m loving it! We also laugh so hard together – on Saturday we did have a couple of drinks together but my fear about the booze ruling my life is fading away. I have much better things in my life that take precedence. Gone are the days of this mental battle about alcohol. I am in control again … I am not 100% alcohol free but certainly in a happy place and feel for the first time in ages – so very hopeful about my future.

Life is good and I am so very grateful!

It’s been a while….

I had my first AF day since February 2nd and I have to say that my daily drinking is taking its toll on my mental health. While I’ve been using the drink as a stress/coping mechanism – I know all too well it’s not the answer. So I’m back to one day at a time and trying to get grounded back into a healthier routine and better stress coping methods. I started with my walking again… I’m still  not in a place where I want to quit for good – I’m still in the mindset that I just need to find my MODERATE way of drinking…

I have an all inclusive trip coming up on April 3rd and I’ll be drinking there. The different things going on in my life right now is that I have a man I’ve been seeing since October 31st and this should be a great thing – but the fear of change or loss of my independence combined with the ongoing stressors being presented to me by my 14 year old… well I’ve reverted to the zoning out technique that comes with the ‘buzz’ from a few drinks.

So I’m here – being accountable – recognizing that I need to shift the pattern … and one take it one day at a time… and recognizing that Today was a GOOD day!