Finding Truths

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Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. ~ James Baldwin

I have been doing a lot of thinking and contemplating about my lack of progress in the area of health/weight loss. The hard truth is it WON’T happen with the level of drinking I am currently at. I am not those that has the ‘moderate’ amounts when I decide to have some. It’s never just one or two when I do allow myself drinks. And so – it means I have to decide what I want most. I have to stop thinking of what I have to ‘give up’ and perhaps focus more on what I have to GAIN (and the weight I have to lose) by making more of my days AF.

My initial intention was to make all of June AF – until my mini holiday July 1 to 5th. I then was able to get 9 consecutive days in a row AF and then a few days later one more day – but none since then. I start my mornings with the intention to make changes – but by the time the afternoon rolls around I develop a ‘fuck it’ attitude and it’s NOT healthy.

The 30lbs I’ve packed back on – I’m feeling it in that my energy levels are lower. Activities are harder or not as fun (as I’m embarrassed to be seen out and don’t like how I look when I see my reflection or profile in the mirror – my body image and self-esteem SUCKS). And so it’s a matter of digging into my true priorities instead of just letting go and coasting through my days. I need to think of NOW and be present – but I also have to consider what my ‘now’ actions are costing my future life. I honestly don’t want to feel like this anymore. And while I shouldn’t put off today what I can do NOW… I know realistically that when I go away for my mini vacation/camping – there will be lots of drinking and I know I won’t be up to abstaining then … I need to really just figure out a way to ease into this because I know my history (and my blogs attest to my back and forth about where I stand on this issue). I’m a rebel who doesn’t like to be told I can’t do something – but then again – I know in order to achieve certain goals my behaviors and actions will have to change.

I just need to find the motivation to dig in deep and just DO IT!!

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How to Change with Grace

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I really needed this reminder today… after being off work for 2 days with a migraine and somewhat of the ‘migraine hangover’ today – I find myself in the space where I cycle back to … and I know it’s because I spend too much time inside my head telling stories at times.

I really need to be present in the NOW and stop thinking ahead too much. I keep making promises to do things and break them and then feel bad or like I’ve failed. I’m tired of the cycle and know that I need to make a real lifestyle change for good – and still working through it – but it has to be done one step at a time. One small change at a time.

I blogged on SparkPeople about my 5 year plan and that plan includes where I want to be in 5 years from now too with regards to my drinking patterns and it’s definitely NOT where I currently stand and so there’s change that needs to happen. I need to acknowledge my successes and where I still need to fine tune the change to make it a lasting healthier lifestyle.

I need to stop telling myself it’s ok when it’s not or vice versa. I need to get out of my head and live more. I need to be here, now… present to the gift that is every new day we are given and live life with gratitude and appreciation. Not fear, worry, depression and anxiety. I need to take a real hard look at the causes in my life for those negative feelings and adjust the things that just don’t bring about ‘good’ feelings for me.

The law of attraction speaks to focusing on that which you want more of – and so I begin again to focus on the healthy, happy and positive feelings I have when I have a successful day under my belt.

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June Reset – Half Time

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Well I did not bad on the first half – 9 days AF but then day 10 to 14th were drinking days. Today’s a fresh start and my ‘second half’ if you will of my Reset! I will not let the last few days deter me from making this a successful overall month.

My goal is to reset my habits to healthier and more moderate ones – and the last few days are a reminder to me of the WHY I’m doing this. I’m up 3lbs from last Monday’s weigh in – proof in the pudding that drinks and weight loss don’t work together.

I have to seek out what I will gain by doing this – not fearing the ‘loss’ of not being able to do things, but rather all that I’ll feel like doing with my progress. I have photos I see of me – and I’m not happy with what I see (in the weight gain/gutt) and so only I can make the change.

Here’s to a new week and better second half to the month of June – I will need to be strong when the ‘witching hour’ calls this afternoon – getting the Day 1 in again is always toughest. I can do this!

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Day 10 – 11 of my June ‘Reset’

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Note the change in title… that’s because yesterday (June 10th and my 10th day) – I ended up having a few drinks. I didn’t have an huge internal battle about it either. I just said I wanted some and had some. I really reflected on my feelings as I had my drinks – it was different. I felt a difference inside – I can’t quite explain it, but it wasn’t like before. When I used to cave in, I would go all out and think ‘well I caved now so I may as well make it worthwhile’. Not the case this time. I had a few drinks. Moderately. And today, my plan is to remain AF as I attend my staff social / BBQ. It might be tough since I had drinks yesterday and people around me will be drinking but I want to prove to myself that I can change my habits and be ‘better’.

I’m not giving up on truly making this a month to RESET my habits. I reviewed my calendar and here’s the track record for 2015 so far with my habits…

AF DAYS
JANUARY- 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 11, 19, 26 (10 days AF)
FEBRUARY – 2 (1 day AF)
MARCH – 10, 11, 22, 30, 31 (5 days AF)
APRIL – 17 (1 day AF)
MAY – 11, 12, 19 (3 days AF)

Before my JUNE reset – for the entire year so far I’ve only had 20 days AF. WOW – what an eye opener and the reason for me having to really get serious about changing my habits – no wonder I can’t lose the weight.

So for June here are the AF stats – so far…
JUNE – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 – my longest in a row streak this year.

So here’s to a new day! And it’s my FAVOURITE day 11 – my lucky number – one that reminds me I’m never alone…

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It’s Day 9 and I’m feeling FINE!! 30 days AF in June 2015

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I used to worry about posting too early that I’d be AF but now I’m confident I can do so. I’m honestly determined and not wavering from my commitment to 30 days AF. It’s a good feeling to be in control again because my drinking patterns this year have not been good. They were in fact reverting to old ways where I was drinking daily and finding myself fearing of going back to a dark place despite the many good things happening in my life.

I guess now that I have a bf – my drinking alone is limited which is great. And when I’m with him I’m more mindful too. After being alone for over 12 years and doing what I want without anyone really noticing – well this is indeed a change. A good one at that. I am for the first time in ages hopeful about the future and making so many plans. Dreams I had to have a partner to share things with like travel, a house/home, and just simple things like having someone be there for me to talk to about anything.

I can totally be myself with him and I have shared with him my sister’s untimely death due to her alcoholism and how I was raised around a lot of drinkers. He only started drinking a few years ago to be social and is a VERY moderate drinker (he’s pretty cute when he has a couple and he gets tipsy/giddy).

I have a new life ahead of me and so this 30 days is giving me a chance to really reflect on my future and how I want to proceed. As I said – I’m not looking to quit for good, but I am definitely wanting to implement healthier habits (like no drinking Sunday to Thursday).

Better is definitely better and I’m truly feeling fine wrapping up this day 9!!

CHEERS!

Day 8 of my 30 day AF Goal

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Feeling awesome with ONE week AF behind me… and looking forward to making it another great AF week. I’m feeling pretty great – and the cravings have been held at by my keeping super busy. I’m blogging earlier today because when I get home tonight I want to just be able to get ready for bed and maybe get caught up on other posts and read.

I’m also down 4lbs and for sure feeling less uncomfortable. This week’s only big test will be at my staff BBQ – we’ll be about 40 people there and many will be having drinks, but I told my BF I’d be HIS designated driver if he wanted to have a few (it’s his first time meeting the crew and MY first time bringing anyone to a social from my workplace so I want to be AF).

Life sure is changing for me – and I’m grateful for this 30 day AF break to just be able to get a clear view on it all – with a clear mind and plan for the summer and MODERATION when I do allow myself drinks (I want to go back to my pattern when I was at a healthy weight and state of mind where I allowed myself drinks 2 out of the 5 days per week).

I CAN DO THIS!!

Days 6 & 7 – AF June 2015

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What a full day I had yesterday – indeed keeping busy and being of service to others takes the cravings away. I woke up at 5am – checked my emails and then did a 30 mins workout to start the day. Then it was time to de-clutter and organize my bf’s office. I think I’ve found a new love to help others de-clutter their spaces. We worked at it all day and it felt so good.

When I drink I tend to not do much. I look around at things to do and because I’m drinking don’t get to them and then there’s a build up … and it is an energy sucker!

I have been feeling great now on my 7th day into my 30 day goal to stay AF.

I ended the day yesterday volunteering at our children’s telethon – which also happens to be my workplace. I’m so proud to be a part of this wonderful organization and being able to give back and help made me feel so great.

All in all a super productive and great feeling day!