If you look back on my blogs… the highs and lows… the days I do well and the days I don’t… Ya you can see I get confused about which decision I need to make and stick to.
This struggle is ongoing and a daily thing and frankly, it’s tiring. Looking above – I’ve contemplated each of the above and have even hit my own kind of rock bottom once a few years ago – not relative to drinking but in other ‘stuff’ in my life (bankruptcy, divorce, death of loved ones).
I guess my issue is the difficulty in saying NO to myself for good and being 100% sober because I’m not sure I can commit to this. Even with a health plan – eating wise – when I deprive myself I end up binging which is what ends up happening with alcohol for me too. When I feel deprived – I end up gorging myself with the mentality of ‘one last bite, drink or finish this off and then I’ll start back on track’.
My wish is to be that person that can socially have drinks – with a take it or leave it attitude and that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve – without success so far. My July hasn’t been so dry – with 10 days AF and 9 days MOD/DD (moderate to true drinking days).
I have had to deal with some emotions last week – brought up with the death of someone from my ex’s family and it brought up a slew of emotions that I wasn’t ready for I guess. I also had to deal with a crisis with my oldest daughter and the ongoing mental health issues they both have – my escape is to NUMB it out for a time… and I have used alcohol to do this – to get the buzz, to feel no pain and just be in a vegetative state if you will. But it doesn’t make the problems go away. It only makes other issues arise – like my anxiety and guilt over NOT being in control again.
I have not forgotten my intentions and true reflections of wanting to be #Fitby50 – mind/body and soul. The work right now has to happen on a soul level…
I have these life transitions coming up – moving in with someone and it’s bringing back a lot of fear – even though it’s a great thing. I need to focus on the GOOD and I’m back to my positive affirmations – listening to audio CD’s and need to dive back into my workouts.
This vicious cycle I fall into when emotions run high, I drink, I binge eat and I don’t workout. I need to get back to my tools… to be eating healthy, to be without alcohol and to workout. To meditate and read from the vast amount of resources that I have that will guide me to being able to live a mostly SOBER life. I just need to find that MO-JO back – must be the Full Moon tonight causing all this shit!
I will however recognize that I am improving – especially over last year where I didn’t have too many days without drink (65 to be exact) and this year so far I have 104 days AF. We just passed the half way mark to 2016 and I plan on finishing with a good percentage of days AF!
I just have to figure out what percentage I’ll fit into relative to this as I review my year going into my 50h year of life and into 2017. I have the summer to enjoy … and more soul reflection to take place… and find THE right solution/formula for me to be a healthy, balanced and stable person!