Decision Confusion

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If you look back on my blogs… the highs and lows… the days I do well and the days I don’t… Ya you can see I get confused about which decision I need to make and stick to.

This struggle is ongoing and a daily thing and frankly, it’s tiring. Looking above – I’ve contemplated each of the above and have even hit my own kind of rock bottom once a few years ago – not relative to drinking but in other ‘stuff’ in my life (bankruptcy, divorce, death of loved ones).

I guess my issue is the difficulty in saying NO to myself for good and being 100% sober because I’m not sure I can commit to this. Even with a health plan – eating wise – when I deprive myself I end up binging which is what ends up happening with alcohol for me too. When I feel deprived – I end up gorging myself with the mentality of ‘one last bite, drink or finish this off and then I’ll start back on track’.

My wish is to be that person that can socially have drinks – with a take it or leave it attitude and that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve – without success so far. My July hasn’t been so dry – with 10 days AF and 9 days MOD/DD (moderate to true drinking days).

I have had to deal with some emotions last week – brought up with the death of someone from my ex’s family and it brought up a slew of emotions that I wasn’t ready for I guess. I also had to deal with a crisis with my oldest daughter and the ongoing mental health issues they both have – my escape is to NUMB it out for a time… and I have used alcohol to do this – to get the buzz, to feel no pain and just be in a vegetative state if you will. But it doesn’t make the problems go away. It only makes other issues arise – like my anxiety and guilt over NOT being in control again.

I have not forgotten my intentions and true reflections of wanting to be #Fitby50 – mind/body and soul. The work right now has to happen on a soul level…

I have these life transitions coming up – moving in with someone and it’s bringing back a lot of fear – even though it’s a great thing. I need to focus on the GOOD and I’m back to my positive affirmations – listening to audio CD’s and need to dive back into my workouts.

This vicious cycle I fall into when emotions run high, I drink, I binge eat and I don’t workout. I need to get back to my tools… to be eating healthy, to be without alcohol and to workout. To meditate and read from the vast amount of resources that I have that will guide me to being able to live a mostly SOBER life. I just need to find that MO-JO back – must be the Full Moon tonight causing all this shit!

I will however recognize that I am improving – especially over last year where I didn’t have too many days without drink (65 to be exact) and this year so far I have 104 days AF. We just passed the half way mark to 2016 and I plan on finishing with a good percentage of days AF!

I just have to figure out what percentage I’ll fit into relative to this as I review my year going into my 50h year of life and into 2017. I have the summer to enjoy … and more soul reflection to take place… and find THE right solution/formula for me to be a healthy, balanced and stable person!

 

A Little Rain…

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The Dry July got a bit of wetness in… After 19 days AF – I had drinks Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, but going back to AF again today.

Observing how I feel when I drink, after I drink – makes me realize I prefer myself in the state of soberness and the clarity that it brings to my life. I honestly have felt crappy the past two days – and basically drank the 2nd day to cure myself from the first day. And the 3rd day – to finish the ‘left over alcohol’ in my house to be DONE with it … again.

As I navigate this journey – I’m contemplating just how often I will allow alcohol into my life and can see that it may end up being a very rare occasion rather than the past patterns of usual behaviour.

For today – I’m going to get caught up – back into my healthy routine… Tipping the scales back in the right direction! Here’s to day 17 of my 21 Day Fix Extreme program – going to finish this STRONG!

Time Passing By… Less Counting

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Time is really whizzing by these days for me. My days are spent at work during the week, evenings spent organizing, packing and de-cluttering some more. I am moving in August and it means going through some of the boxes and deciding is this worth hanging on to or letting go.

I came across some old journals dating back to 2006 and as I read them I saw this repeating pattern. I saw the scribbled handwriting and saw the struggle even in that… and while I browsed a few entries, I made a decision to let go of this journal and ended up throwing it out.

You see the past efforts to reaching my goals of less drinking are not worth re-hashing. I have come a long way since 2006 – when I was actually fighting a percocet addiction too. That’s not been a part of my life now since 2008. The alcohol lingered in my life – and I believe it did because of my inability to let go of the past.

Since then I have changed. As I reflect on who I am today and how much easier it is to say no to alcohol – well I’m a completely different person living a different life. So yes I still kind of count the days but I don’t obsess over it. Today is Day 19 AF- as I ended June with 1o days AF. I had drinks with my sister visiting yesterday but plans to get back to being AF until my vacation and a few other social outings.

I truly sense a change in my relationship with alcohol. I am no longer reaching for booze to soothe my feelings of anxiety or stress. And I am still dealing with many relative to my daughters who both have mental health issues. I know that I can’t make the problems go away with drinks. I know that I can manage much easier with a clear head and by being present for them to support them to the best of my ability.

I have learned to work through my own issues relative to past traumas with therapy and feel that my ‘insides’ are healed… and it is FINALLY allowing me to let go of so much … including alcohol as a coping tool and including letting go of the extra weight that I used to ‘protect’ me.

This journey is ongoing. I choose not to be sober for life – but rather to be the person who will choose to have alcohol at very specific times and never to be used as a means of coping with issues, but rather as a means of just allowing myself to enjoy the experience … be it moderate or even a planned intox. I have been inspired by Ken Anderson – leader of HAMS… and encourage anyone to visit the site www.hamsnetwork.org. The Facebook group is also a great source of ongoing support.

I am not an AA fan – because I do NOT agree or believe that we are powerless in any way. I believe that we are POWERFUL and that if you can switch your thinking – to finding the positive in any given situation… you can truly change your life. I know I have come a long way and I am very proud of who I am today!

Dry July for Me!

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July 1st was Canada Day and boy was I tempted to join in and have a drink while at the beer tent at the fairgrounds. The smell was all around me… but I resolved to make July a dry one in an effort to keep striving to reach my health goals.

You see I was invited to share my transformation story at a local coach event on August 6th and I want to be able to share sincerely about how I’m succeeding FINALLY… and I will open myself up to be vulnerable and share that a big part of the reason I have not been successful to date is because of alcohol.

I will share about how my sister passed at the age of 50 and how as I approach my own 50th birthday – I am reflecting on my life and my choices.

So I will keep choosing to strive to be #Fitby50 and seek the balance that I have sought for so many years… I may not be completely AF forever – but I am certainly improving my stats and that my friends is success! Harm reduction – weight loss – healthier mind, body and spirit!

Here’s to my 15th day in a row and to making it to the end of July completely dry and sober!