Time is really whizzing by these days for me. My days are spent at work during the week, evenings spent organizing, packing and de-cluttering some more. I am moving in August and it means going through some of the boxes and deciding is this worth hanging on to or letting go.
I came across some old journals dating back to 2006 and as I read them I saw this repeating pattern. I saw the scribbled handwriting and saw the struggle even in that… and while I browsed a few entries, I made a decision to let go of this journal and ended up throwing it out.
You see the past efforts to reaching my goals of less drinking are not worth re-hashing. I have come a long way since 2006 – when I was actually fighting a percocet addiction too. That’s not been a part of my life now since 2008. The alcohol lingered in my life – and I believe it did because of my inability to let go of the past.
Since then I have changed. As I reflect on who I am today and how much easier it is to say no to alcohol – well I’m a completely different person living a different life. So yes I still kind of count the days but I don’t obsess over it. Today is Day 19 AF- as I ended June with 1o days AF. I had drinks with my sister visiting yesterday but plans to get back to being AF until my vacation and a few other social outings.
I truly sense a change in my relationship with alcohol. I am no longer reaching for booze to soothe my feelings of anxiety or stress. And I am still dealing with many relative to my daughters who both have mental health issues. I know that I can’t make the problems go away with drinks. I know that I can manage much easier with a clear head and by being present for them to support them to the best of my ability.
I have learned to work through my own issues relative to past traumas with therapy and feel that my ‘insides’ are healed… and it is FINALLY allowing me to let go of so much … including alcohol as a coping tool and including letting go of the extra weight that I used to ‘protect’ me.
This journey is ongoing. I choose not to be sober for life – but rather to be the person who will choose to have alcohol at very specific times and never to be used as a means of coping with issues, but rather as a means of just allowing myself to enjoy the experience … be it moderate or even a planned intox. I have been inspired by Ken Anderson – leader of HAMS… and encourage anyone to visit the site www.hamsnetwork.org. The Facebook group is also a great source of ongoing support.
I am not an AA fan – because I do NOT agree or believe that we are powerless in any way. I believe that we are POWERFUL and that if you can switch your thinking – to finding the positive in any given situation… you can truly change your life. I know I have come a long way and I am very proud of who I am today!