So here it is Friday … and NO – I’m not craving a drink but I am pondering my goal. See my ORIGINAL goal was to hit 50 days AF for my 50th Year and then I said I’d do 100. Now that I’m nearing that original first goal – I wonder about taking a few days off before doing the next 50.
I know this is dangerous thinking perhaps. I see the goal targets above and really don’t want to have to reset just yet… So maybe as I write this out I’m answering my own question about what to do.
I have gained so many positives by working through some really tough days like yesterday… and arming myself with inspiration to work through moments (this amazing post came up on my memory feed just when I needed it after dealing with some not so nice stuff with my 15 year old daughter).
This is a great website/blog by the way – check out her YOU Tube Video about the image above too.
I am finding ways to cope that DON’T involve drinking – I spent time with my daughter’s cute rabbit (pet therapy lol) and then spent the night with my guy just ‘vegging’ watching a good movie that allowed me to have a good cry…
THIS is what I am meant to learn and as I finish writing this post – leaning towards staying strong to finish the 100 days … and then decide over the Christmas holidays – where to go from there with respect to how alcohol may or may not remain a part of my life.
Cheers – with an AF toast! Happy Friday!
So day 41 here AF … and I have to say it’s been great, but I also have to be honest and say that there have been many moments where I’m totally out of my comfort zone but continue to push through because I know that’s how I will grow.
The venture I’m on – as a coach and joining with a team of like minded people who are more advanced in the business than I am left me feeling like perhaps I didn’t fit in – or didn’t belong there – but I SHUT that voice up … and continue to do so, because while I may not have some of what they have – I do have my own skills and talents to share and contribute. And I have more life experience as I’m the oldest one in this group.
I continue to put myself out there while some may shy away for fear that someone may discover more about them that they care to share. In my view, by sharing what I’m going through – if it can help someone else out there that might be feeling the same way – then that’s what I’m after! I truly believe that each of us have gifts to contribute and mine is my passion for helping others live their healthiest life… but this first meant that I had to be the example.
For years I have been wishing, wanting to do this. But it was half-assed (pardon the language) -because I wasn’t walking the talk CONSISTENTLY. Thus my reason for this break up with alcohol for 100 days – to really gain the clarity on my true desires and to go after my dreams!
One can’t do that by sitting their butts on the couch in front of a TV watching stories of other people living their lives, or get sucked into those series of crime shows (which I really do love but have avoided)… and drinking booze and just zoning out of life.
In order to move forward – I really had to do this once and for all – and as I’ve said before, if you go back in my archives – I have been trying to do this for years (only started blogging about it about 3 years ago).
Now is MY time to do this. NOW is the time to keep pushing my limits and step outside of my comfort zone to keep growing… SOBER!
I can’t tell you how amazing I am feeling right now – seeing that I’m so close to hitting 40 days (day 39 today)… I honestly can’t remember ever having this many AF (alcohol free) days. Maybe during my last pregnancy which was almost 16 years ago?!
I’m truly finding so much joy in spending time with like minded people – focused on health rather than being social with those who revolve their activities around drinking. What a difference! And my own health goals are finally moving forward in a consistent manner now that I am not undoing all the good with nights off with drinks.
My time is now filled with personal development, exercise, making to do lists and actually getting to them – less procrastinating for sure. Just started reading the book I found while cleaning my car… and I have a goal to read at least one book per month if not more. I also listen to podcasts on my commute into work to and find it really sets the tone for a great day!
There are so many things to do BESIDES drinking – there’s actually no time to be bored if you really set your mind to accepting the change. While my goal is for now to simply reach 100 days and then re-evaluate – we’ll see how I feel about alcohol by then. I can tell you that right now – I don’t know if having that drink is worth it in comparison to how much more positive and happy I feel – and PROUD too!
I struggled for a long time to go beyond 30 days (heck at times reaching 30 days seemed impossible). I never thought I could do the 100 days (tried a few years ago if you go in the archives and read my older blogs you’ll see). But now I BELIEVE I can do this!
I even posted a video to the HAMS group on Facebook sharing how I felt and wanting to share my experience in the hopes of inspiring or perhaps encouraging others. It was out of my comfort zone – but honestly – that’s how we grow.
The group I gathered with yesterday (that’s me in the grey sweatshirt and blond hair) – my ego kept telling me I didn’t fit in or measure up – but I told it to SHUT UP! I do so fit in and I will be as successful as they are representing the 45+ age group (they are all so much younger than me). Honestly the energy from our gathering was amazing! I feel truly blessed to be part of the council and able to help with our local activities!
Today was a holiday Monday for us and yet I woke at 3:30am and did my workout. Then made breakfast and headed out the door with my guy as we were meeting up with friends to go for a nature walk to observe the beautiful Fall colors.
When we got back home – it was around lunch time and there was the ‘period of time’ where the angst started setting in. I guess it’s just about figuring out how to fill my time without always being in a ‘go go go’ mode. To learn to just be and even take some time out to do absolutely nothing (which is hard for me to do).
My partner asked me what I was going to do with the rest of the day and I said – I guess do more unpacking. After lunch I prepped a few dishes. Then I came downstairs to unpack a bit more and logged on to catch up on some posts with HAMS and my other work stuff.
The cravings have passed (I find it hits me around 1ish until about 6ish – then it fades as my body gets tired and is almost ready for bed).
I did have the internal conversation in my head saying I did 30 days and that’s great so if I did have one it would still be good – but then I’d be pissed about having to reset my counter. I will NOT give in until I reach my 100 days! I also hope that by the time I reach 100 days I’ll be that much closer to my goal weight.
This tunnel / photo was from our walk today and I felt it was fitting for motivation to just KEEP going!
Today was the first day that I felt like caving in and grabbing a drink to ease the unease I was feeling emotionally. Yesterday my older daughter came for Thanksgiving Dinner. During her visit there was discussion of my youngest moving in with her because she totally HATES living here with me in the remote area. I spend every weekend coming home from work only to have to drive back to town to bring her (thankfully my partner offers to do so a lot too). The thing I hate is that I feel like she’s just bouncing around from place to place so she can avoid being here on weekends and I don’t feel good about it.
When we lived at the apartment in the city – I spent most of my time alone in the apartment as she was most often out with her friends. I felt like I was paying rent for nothing – bouncing back and forth to my partner’s house. I tried to set things up in every way to make it ‘ok’ for her to be here but she just doesn’t want to be here. She has told me numerous times that when she turns 16 she is leaving (that will be in February). This worries me because she is young and not in the best ‘shape’ mentally (going to an alternative school because she can’t attend regular school and she still deals with anxiety and depression).
So this offer for her to live with her older sister appeases me more than her just taking off and living with who knows and under what conditions. I see this as a possibility to get my older daughter out of the really bad living situation she’s in too (they are living with her bf’s parents and the place is disgusting – infested with bugs and they just aren’t clean people). She has already talked to my ex – and he would give the support to her to cover my youngest being there (although he didn’t think it was a good idea as he felt my oldest had enough to just take care of herself as she too has mental health issues).
It breaks my heart that both my kids have these issues – and I’ve been dealing with them for YEARS… and most times I would cope by drinking/numbing it all out. So today was tough.
And then I woke up at 3:30am to find my oldest was up sad/anxious and hadn’t slept a wink. She said she had someone send her nasty messages via social media (a bf of her friend’s) – and she was worried that her gf was maybe even dead. She called the crisis line at 1am and talked it out… and I agreed with the counsel she was given in that she needs to let go of this toxic person in her life. She has tried to give her advice and told her to leave this man and she chose not to … she simply can’t take this on.
I told her she couldn’t call in sick because she just started a NEW and good job and still on probation. So I gave her something to help her sleep and she managed to get a few hours before we drove her in. Then in the car ride back into town – she was on the phone with her bf explaining all that had happened and my partner started to get upset because he didn’t want to hear any of it… well then I could feel the tears welling up. I could feel the tension in the car – you could have cut it like a knife and I just have not had that feeling in so long.
So once both girls were dropped off – we came home and all was ok. Then as we went to run errands the emotions welled up again and I just started crying and couldn’t really stop. He felt bad for ‘almost losing it’ and I just explained that I needed some alone time to work through this SOBER. But MAN – I looked at the LCBO… I wanted to drink something – then I thought of this amazing app / counter and how I would feel even WORSE if I broke my promise to ME!! For 100 days … I will not drink … And so with writing this blog – I am feeling better and the danger has passed … the craving is gone and I have a to do list I will tend to. Maybe a nice bath later and early bedtime as we’re going to a park for a scenic walk tomorrow morning.
Until then… here’s to “Faking it ’till I Make it”!
Not your typical Friday night – but oh MAN I’m feeling great!! Reaching 30 days used to mean I’d be planning when I could drink again – but this time, I’m trucking on because my goal was first 50 days for my 50th year and then DOUBLE that because I’m going for 100 days baby!
And honestly – who knows what will happen once I reach that. All I can say is that I’m feeling VERY different this time around. I’m super productive – happy – at peace and honestly feeling so AMAZING!
So much so that I can’t sit still … I have more unpacking/organizing to do! The basement is coming along… I’m listening to some tunes… drinking sparkling water and moving! Life is GOOD!!