Checking in today – on International Women’s Day – and saluting all women and mothers in particular! It’s not an easy role … and for me – well it’s been a struggle as I have been single parenting since 2002.
My youngest (now 16) is going through some major difficulties – while in comparison to a few years ago – she’s doing better in some respects. She’s no longer self-harming or suicidal. She is opening up more and more accepting of the counseling being offered to her by the psychiatrist.
Today was a tough start to my day … I woke to messages of how horrific she felt and she needed me. So I booked the day off without pay to be there for her. I spent time with her, listened to her, comforted her and also followed up with the psychiatrist. She has lost 14lbs in 2 weeks and so there’s reason for concern. She’s is feeling sick, not able to eat and not sleeping – her anxiety is of course through the roof.
She opened up to me and shared more than ever before and I sense how she is also recognizing that I will never leave her side. She has many issues relative to fear of abandonment and she opened up in the session yesterday saying she is always trying to act and BE as she thinks others want her to be – but doesn’t even really know who she really is. It breaks my heart…
After last night’s episode, I contacted the psychiatrist who then suggested she be admitted to hospital – which should happen in the next couple of days. It is hoped it can stabilize her and perhaps get her back to feeling good enough to be able to deal with her mental health issues at hand.
All this to say… that THANK GOD I’m sober. Thank heavens I am not craving or using this as an excuse to reach for a drink as I have done so many times in the past. By NOT doing so – I’m teaching her that it’s not the solution to feeling better or solving problems. I believe she’s noticing and seeing this and learning from me.
Emotionally this is hard SHIT to deal with – but I would rather deal with it raw and real than covered up with the buzz of ‘da booze. I feel stronger than I ever have and I’m so grateful that my mindset truly has changed in that this alcohol in my life – it will be a very occasional thing and it will NEVER be my coping mechanism.
I will continue to reach for my health and fitness – my spirituality and my personal development to keep me going strong! This is the model I want my daughter to see and hopefully be able to follow…
I am grateful for the services we have access to. I am grateful for my boss who is understanding and allowing me the flexibility to take the time I need to deal with my family matters. I am most grateful for the wonderful community of the family at Lose ‘Da Booze 100 Day Challenge!