I’m sitting here after 17 days of daily drinking again – some of which was beyond moderate to the point of binge drinking to ‘finish it off’ so I could hopefully tackle the next day without booze. It’s this cycle I seem to keep reverting to and it makes me wonder if I can really do this AF thing. I know deep down that I must and as I read some wonderful posts – including Lisa’s recent equation one – well I am given hope. This SHIT is real hard. Today is our Thanksgiving holiday and I’m grateful that everything is closed down and that I have resolved to making it my first AF day again.
I told my daughter yesterday – ‘after today I’m going to quit again’ and she replied ‘ya right’… OUCH. I did tell her I made it 24 days last time and I truly and honestly want to make it longer. I can’t think forever because that notion scares the hell out of me – who will I be if I no longer drink? Even as I did allow myself drinks again when I went to meet friends before my meeting, they said ‘oh you have to be drinking when it’s our gala girlfriend’… and that’s on November 30th. So you see – even with my resolve today about NOT drinking – I’m already thinking ahead to that night as I did with my move and how I started drinking then after 24 days of abstinence.
I go through so many highs and lows and sitting here this morning, in my new bedroom looking out the window to the greyish day, the fall leaves on the tree outside the window, gently swaying and leaves slowly falling – I feel as though it’s a time of change for me too. But can I really do this? I know deep down in my heart and soul I want to prove I can. I know posting publicly here is risky – because it opens things up for feedback… and while most of the comments are helpful, there are at times notes from some who just truly should NOT be lurking if they can not relate to what I’m going through.
I’m only human and I have made mistakes and I’m sure I will make more. The key thing I guess is that so long as I keep trying, that I stay true to myself, I will eventually get there. Nothing really worthwhile having is easy. This is HARD work, and I’m going to use the next 24 hours to get back to my sober world.
Having my step-daughter over later for Thanksgiving dinner – and I am going to take time out today to truly be appreciative of the good things in my life – including finally being in this new home and using my AF time to get more unpacking done.
Lose 'da Booze 
Hello,
Glad you’re back!
It took me sooo long to get out of this cycle (over five months sober now as I write) and I had the same thought processes as you… over and over. The thing is, when you’re still on the fence there will always be reasons to drink. There will always be that one occasion that you “have to” drink at or that you fast-forward to and think ‘but I can’t not be drinking then’. When you really, truly 100% commit to quitting then it doesn’t matter if it’s New Year’s Eve, a wedding, your birthday, Friday the 13th – you’re not drinking.
I’m not saying it suddenly becomes *easy* not to drink -sometimes it is, sometimes it really isn’t – but it’s much easiER when you feel this surety about what you’re doing and sometimes that surety takes awhile to reach. It certainly did for me and I still question what I’m doing sometimes – yet being sober seems better and better the further along I go.
I can’t tell you how to reach that magical place of total commitment because I don’t know myself quite what made it different this time for me than the preceding 384 times, but once you find it – grab on tight.
Sometimes you just have to keep trying to get there. That and get really, really fed up with the whole on-off-on-off cycle and the negatives of drinking. Keep trying, keep sharing, keep posting, keep going.
Lilly xo
Thanks Lilly – I really thought I had it last time that ‘shift’ in thinking and then I was back to drinking and here today back to feeling crappy about my failed attempts. I know I can’t beat myself up though and I just have to keep going as you say. I’m very grateful for THIS place/space… and for words of wisdom like yours (it really helps to hear about others’ experiences).
I know that feeling too. The time I went 80 days I really thought I had “got it”. I was feeling so strong. But then I drank again and it took me many, many more months to get back there. It’s part of what makes me scared of drinking again now. It’s much harder to rationalise that “just once” or “just a few” is no big deal because I know that it might lead me right back to regular heavy drinking and god knows how long to quit again. And these days I’m pretty sure that drinking again will ultimately mean needing to quit again so I’m trying to spare myself the pain of yet another day one.
By no means do I want to sound like I think I have it all figured out now. Five months is still a drop in the bucket relatively speaking and I know I could drink again so hearing stories like yours help remind me what that really feels like rather than the romanticising of drinking that can creep in all too easily. And reading posts like yours make my heart ache for you because I know so well all those messy, confused feelings that come with the on-off cycle.
Please don’t beat yourself up any more. This trying and ‘failing’ isn’t failure, it is trying to learn, to grow and to make huge changes and that can just take a lot of trial and error sometimes. Just. Keep. Going.
xoxo
Here is a web site with some interesting thoughts on not drinking, I have read thru most of his articles fairly short and tothe point and helpful. I hope this helps you. day at a time.
bizi
http://www.stopdrinkingalcohol.com/
Thanks Bizi – I like the idea of thinking of my relationship with alcohol like many of the failed relationships in my life – I do believe it’s time to get mad/angry about this alcohol crap in my life!
This past May I so wanted to give up drinking for good on my birthday. I turned 52 and thought and felt I had had enough. I can only look at my attempts as being that much closer to what I need and not beat myself up. So- you too sweetie! I was rooting for you in September but completely understood when you caved because this IS hard shit- so good on you for your 24 days (and other streaks) and good on you for your persistence! You WILL get there!
Hugs
Em
Have you now successfully quit?
hi- well since October 8 AF but for me I am keeping the the final date in mind which is Jan. 15, 2014- so I am not counting the days but keeping that as my goal date. I have easy days and hard days- easy moments and hard moments. As for getting mad at alcohol- well I am not mad. When I really really do not want something or someone in my life I give them the silent treatment. That is the cruelest thing to do. Poison the poison.
oh- I mean the goal date for the 100 days- but you knew that! 🙂
It is hard! That magic day…it’s different for everyone. I think you just reach this point of, I am so sick of this shit, I’ve had enough! And then, it’s almost a matter of proving to yourself that you can do it. I think a lot of us battle the emotional addiction, and it’s just really a matter of trying and going off, and trying and going off. I agree with Lilly… HUGS. You will get there. (Btw, I started counting days in 2007; my final quit date was in 2012!)
Drunky Drunk Girl-I sure do agree with that! I have a hard time answering the question if I quit successfully because my first goal is that 100 days and I have been trying to get there all year- so it just feels different this time. But again- I agree with people here that you will get there and I hope I do too! I just hope I am helping
Thank you, Em! 🙂
Good luck with this, LDB. You’re right, it is really hard. I admire your persistence, though. I have to say, whenever I tried to quit before (or moderate, which is what I mostly tried to do) I would sooner or later cave in and then I would pretend the attempt had never happened. You keep coming back and examining what you’re doing, and I think that’s brave. I also think it’s the right thing to do. So I have no advice to offer, but lots of good wishes!
Well it’s only 2:30pm and I feel like having a drink – I swear getting the FIRST day in after being in day to day drink mode for over 2 weeks (almost 3) – it’s just a habit that needs breaking.
It’s a tough habit to break, but you can do it!
It is a habit remember that, you have to do something different in order to change.
(((((HUGS))))))
rooting for you
bizi
L da B … Ok i’m getting caught up with my blog reading. Glad to have you back AF (I love this, can I steal this from you? (It’s brilliant) You seem good here on 14 Oct. So i’m gonna jump to next post. (which is where I started reading this morning. Darn I have to learn to go back to the later posts, I get myself so screwed up when I read it backwards.
xox
ps thnx for plug